


let the flowers bloom

by LEMONADANG



Category: We Bare Bears (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Denial, M/M, Meet-Cute, Slow Burn, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-02-28 05:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18750208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LEMONADANG/pseuds/LEMONADANG
Summary: At East Bay High School in San Francisco, California, Panda is convinced he's met just about every kind of person there is. Will his perspective change when a new student joins his older brother's basketball team, or will he be proven right?





	1. the cave

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE ENJOY!

“Pick and roll bro, pick and roll!”

Internally wincing at the sudden- likely improperly used- nomenclature that sprung from their older brother 30 feet away on the basketball court, the older of the two groaned a small “Don’t look up, pretend you don’t hear him…”

The truth is, despite Grizz’s undying, everlasting passion for basketball, he was simply no good at the sport. Just wasn’t cut out for it. Ironically, the only people not particularly pleased with him being anything other than a benchwarmer was his own team; the East Bay Cougars. This didn’t stop him, however, from putting his entire heart and soul into the game. 

While they’d never, ever tell him or even think of indicating it to him, times like these were when it was almost embarrassing to be Grizz’s younger brother. He didn’t know if his own younger brother, Ice Bear, felt the same way, but the slight twist in his face and subtle nod at the request let him know he at least understood why Panda would make such a request in the first place. 

A number of excuses would be thrown about after every game without fail as the Cougars coped with their inevitable loss every other week or two. 

“I heard the referee has connections with the other team!”

“Oh yeah? I heard they’re paying him off so he won’t call technicalities!”

Never perpetuated by anyone with a rational bone in their body (or simply anyone with eyes), those rumors had no real chance of being true, but it’s not like it mattered. Any way those poor, poor kids could get any closure from their embarrassing losses would be needed and welcomed. 

As Panda fervently erased at a stray mark left on the paper of the sketchbook he was doodling in, the pair couldn’t help but notice when the referee blew his whistle, signaling the fouling out of their oldest brother. 

“Think we’ll have to console him later?”

“...Ice Bear anticipates it.”

>>>

The game ended and the Cougars lost 8-40. 

“You guys SAW me! The last point shouldn’t have even gone to them, the ball was in bounds!”

“Mhm,” 

“I mean, it really seems like they’re overcompensating for their lack of respect for the game by showing off,”

“Yeah, totally,” 

“Pan, are you listening to me?” 

“No, you’re totally right…” 

“Incorrect response!” With that, Grizz jovially slapped Panda on the back, knocking his cellphone out of his hand. Before Panda had even a second to react, Grizz had already caught the phone and was intruding on Panda’s privacy. 

“You’re still using Yo-Date? I thought you were texting that girl from the farmers market. What was her name? Lazy?”

“Her name is Lucy, Grizz- why would it be ‘Lazy’? Anyways, we text sometimes. I’m still on Yo-Date for the same reason anyone else would be. To talk to girls.” 

Grizz seemed satisfied with that answer, and handed his younger brother back his phone. “So, how was I out there? Think I could be drafted?”

Panda, in his infinite wisdom, genuinely didn’t know if Grizz was being sarcastic or if he really thought he had a chance at playing for the Lakers. Shooting a glance back at Ice Bear hoping for some sort of lifeline to save him, the youngest brother chimed in in his usual monotone.

“Ice Bear sees potential.”

That was the great thing about Ice Bear; just atonal enough to get away with just saying anything.

>>>

“Jeez, I sure hope that new kid joining the team next week is as good at basketball as the guys on the team have been saying. He could be our saving grace for the season!”

By the time they’d made it home, the three brothers had mostly forgotten about the game and had their sights set on watching the new episode of Swords and Castles airing that night, and otherwise goofing off until they fell asleep.

“New kid? I thought it was too late to join the team,”

“Nah, he’s transferring in from another school,” Grizz fumbled with his keys and nearly set off Ice Bear’s car alarm (strategically placed spare key) before finally unlocking the door to their apartment. “He’s from Burbank, I think?” 

“Huh,” Panda blinked. “I haven’t heard about him yet. How do your teammates know?”

“Us B-Ballers have a way of doing things your brain wouldn’t understand,” Grizz barely whispered, which was his way of saying there was probably some group chat somewhere in Grizz’s life where this information was discussed. 

Their apartment wasn’t anything to write home about. Grizz, being 18, was able to secure it after spending most of their lives in a homeless shelter between couch surfing. That’s how they unfortunately learned how few people were open to the idea of three teenage boys staying at their home. The orphanage they grew up in was involved in a number of scandals which would soon force the place to close, leaving many children straight-up homeless. 

The apartment boasted one bathroom and two bedrooms, which would soon be complemented with a pullout couch in the living room. Ice Bear sacrificed having a proper room for the air conditioning in the living room, comfortably leaving Panda and Grizz the two full bedrooms. 

Their apartment, informally dubbed “The Cave,” may not have been anything special from an outsider’s perspective, but to them it was perfect. 

>>>

After they put their bags and other assorted items back where they belonged, Panda, Grizz, and Ice Bear filed themselves in their usual spots on the couch for their little viewing party. 

However, Panda was having trouble focusing. He couldn’t get his mind off this mysterious “new kid,” which was weird, because East Bay High School had seen many new students come and go within the duration of Panda’s enrollment. The only thing setting this particular new student away from the others is the very real fact that’d he’d be joining Grizz’s basketball team. He had no idea what kind of guy he’d be or how involved he’d want to be in their lives, worrying Panda into thinking he’d be like… him.

The three brothers let very few people into their lives. There was Chloe Park, the quiet middle school girl who viewed the three as older brother figures after Ice Bear had saved her from a particularly scary neighborhood dog. There was also Nom Nom, the spoiled kid with a Napoleon complex who gained mass popularity over the summer on a popular lip-syncing app, who would say he hated the brothers presence more than anything but would throw his tiny fists at anyone who tried to harm them (to no avail, mostly). 

However, there was one person they regret meeting. Maybe Grizz regretted it more than the others. 

“I think it might be time for me to head to bed, guys,” Panda interrupted his train of thoughts as he stood up from the couch and stretched his arms out above his head. “It’s getting late.”

“Aw, alright PanPan. You took your meds, right?”

Panda nodded.

“Alright, good! Goodnight, dude. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

“Ice Bear has the exterminator on speed dial. The exterminator is Ice Bear.”

As Panda retreated into his bedroom, Grizz considered whether it’d be a good idea or not to start heading to bed himself. Panda had been right, it was getting late whether he liked it or not.

“You wanna close up shop here, little bro? Need any help pulling out the couch tonight?”

“Ice bear will manage. Thank you.”

“No problem, man.” Grizz playfully rustled his youngest brothers platinum-blond hair, and squeezed his shoulder with a warm “Goodnight.” 

Briefly nodding, Ice Bear waited until Grizz was out of sight to pull out the couch.


	2. meet not-so-cute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't try to show your brothers a scene from a manga while walking in the halls of a public high school, kiddos, or else you'll meet a very tall, strange man. unless you're into that, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to publish this a lot earlier than I did, but I got really carried away with the "finishing touches"...

The following week came with little fanfare. Panda had picked up a new manga at the library and filled his brothers in on all the sappy details as he read them, and they tried their darndest to act interested despite not understanding a word he said under his fanatic rambling. 

“So he totally sweeps the princess off her feet in the end! Literally, too!” Swooping his black messenger bag around to his front, Panda rummaged through the biggest compartment for the volume. “I can show you!” 

As soon as he located the manga and flipped through to his desired page, however, he felt his body slam into something tall and warm. The volume tumbled to the tile floor of the hallway.

“Oh, I’m really sorry about that, man! I didn’t see you down there!” 

_Woah._ Instead of going for his dropped manga, Panda’s head shot up at the towering specimen before him, immediately noticing how tall he was. Everyone was taller than Panda, but this guy had to be over 6’8. 

“S-Sorry!” Panda managed to squeak out as he craned his neck to look up at the mysterious student. 

“Nah, I should look where I’m going! Here, I’ll get that for you!” The tall guy retrieved Panda’s manga from the floor and gleefully handed it back to him, brushing a stray lock of fluffy, dark hair from his face and tucking it back behind his ear. “The names Charlie!”

“Um-- I’m… I’m Panda,” he said, suddenly very uncomfortable with this strangers enthusiasm. He accepted the manga and returned it to his messenger bag. “I-I have to get to class!”

“Ah, no worries man! I’ll see you around then, Panda?”

“Uh-- sure!” Panda chirped awkwardly. He really did have to get to class, though.

Charlie smiled and joined the passing mass of students walking down the opposite way of the hallway. 

“You know, you guys could have said something back there to save me!” Panda turned to face his brothers, who had been totally absent during that entire interaction. 

“What, and embarrass you? We couldn’t do that again, bro. That was all you.” Grizz mildy encouraged, ruffling Panda’s dark hair, much to his chagrin.

“But… that was weird though, right?” 

“What? He seemed really nice!” Grizz chimed. “I mean, maybe he was a little too nice, but that’s one of the best things to be!”

“I don’t like ‘too nice’!” Panda snapped back. “We’re minding our business, people should know to do this same!”

Before either Grizz or Ice Bear (who had managed to stay totally silent through this whole ordeal) could reply, the first bell rang, signalling the final five minutes before classes started for the day. 

With a quick, awkward look-around, Panda dipped his head to his brothers in goodbye and headed off to his first class. 

-_-_-_-

Panda didn’t get a moment of rest from wondering if he had been too harsh that morning. 

He hoped his brothers understood where he was coming from. As an orphan like his brothers before him, he was never accustomed to the whole idea of “making friends.” This was exclusive to him. Grizz had Nom Nom, Ice Bear had Chloe. Chloe was a nice girl and Nom Nom stopped being an obnoxious dingle after you got to know him, according to Grizz. He considered himself “friends” enough with both of them, but it wasn’t like he was either of their first choices when it came to hanging out; so things were good, but not great. 

No one sticks around anyways, why bother with friends? Had been Panda’s justification for most of his life. If no one wanted us as kids, why would anyone want us now?

He knew it was a toxic way of thinking, deep down, even if he never admitted to it. 

_Maybe If I choose to be lonely it won’t hurt as much._

-_-_-_-

That same evening was Grizz’s basketball practice. The stress of what had happened that morning had made Panda totally forget that today was apparently the day they were supposed to meet that new kid.

Panda gripped his inhaler in one hand as he entered the school gymnasium, anticipating the inevitable panic associated with meeting new people. In his other hand he gripped his phone, which was connected to the cheap earbuds in his ears. 

_Cheer up baby, Cheer up baby, Jom deo himeul lae!_

Taking out his earbuds and shooting a glance around the gym, Panda didn’t notice anyone new. 

“Grizz, he’s not here!”

“Who?”

Panda grit his teeth, shooting a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it glance around the gym to assure his observation was true. “The new guy!”

As the realization that he might make a new friend today washed over Grizz, he chuckled warmly in response to what he perceived as his younger brother’s dread. “I totally forgot about that! Good memory, Pan!” 

Grizz threw an arm around Panda, who smiled but groaned in response. 

_“I’m here!”_

In that moment, however, the three brothers, all in sync, turned their heads to face the far-away door of the gym, where… a certain tall, dark haired boy was bursting through. Panda felt his breath hitch painfully in his throat, and took a few strong puffs of his inhaler to avoid the disaster that was definitely going to happen at this rate. 

“Ice Bear is having deja vu.”

-_-_-_-

Watching him on the court was horrifying. He was 6 feet and 8 inches of complete lank. He moved like one of those tube men they set up outside of car dealerships. 

But he was _good._ He was _real_ good. 

Panda couldn’t help but smile at the sight of utter elation on Grizz’s face as it became evident the Cougars’ rough past might be finally over. Charlie was able to make shots all the way from halfcourt, and he was tall enough to destroy any possibility of the ball ever being stolen from him. 

The most adorable thing about him, though, was how happy he seemed while playing. His long legs made it so it seemed like he didn’t have to run as much as the other members of the team, all while grinning goofily like a puppy, his fluffy, ponytailed hair bouncing behind him with every bound. 

By the time their 10 minute post-practice scrimmage was over Charlie had made seven baskets.

-_-_-_-

“Panda! I knew that was you! What are you doing here?” 

Instead of meeting back up with his team members after practice was over, Charlie opted to greet Panda first on the bleachers. 

Panda looked at Charlie from the corner of his eye, too nervous to look him face on. “Grizz is my older brother,” he mumbled. 

“Wow, really? That’s real lucky, I don’t have any brothers, or siblings at all!” Charlie laughed loudly, elbowing Panda in the ribs.

The noise that came out of Panda could be described as a bastard hybrid of a chuckle and a squeak. _Don’t touch me_ was the first reaction Panda had, but he tried to shake it off. 

“Aren’t you gonna go hang out with the rest of your team?” Panda looked at Charlie and then over to the rest of the Cougars, who all seemed to be happily socializing with each other. Even Ice Bear had decided to regroup with Grizz over at the other side of the gym.

“Well, you see… you’re really the only person I _know_ ‘round these parts!” Charlie bashfully laughed and looked away from Panda, who had gained the confidence to face Charlie. “It’s my first day at East Bay, and…” 

“Nah, dude, I get it.” 

Panda felt like a real dingle. Panda knew better than anyone how hard it was to make friends, and wouldn’t wish that awkward process on anyone. “Hey-- I don’t think we were properly introduced this morning.” 

“Whazzat now?”

“I got nervous and rushed off to class…” Panda figured it wouldn’t do him or Charlie any good in the long run to give him the cold shoulder when it came to communication. Even if his pulverizing fear of abandonment still plagued him and hindered his ability to make friends, Charlie didn’t deserve to suffer on account of Panda. “I’m Panda, a-and those are my brothers…”

Panda pointed towards where Grizz and Ice Bear were hanging out in the corner of the gym. Grizz noticed this and waved at the pair on the bleachers and gesticulated for them to come and join them.

“Hey, before we get up, is it okay if I ask for your phone number, Panda?”

Okay, immediately weird. Panda noticeably hesitated, blinking a couple times while trying to parse if he wanted Charlie to be able to contact him whenever he wanted. He didn’t want to make this weirder than it already is, though, so he uttered a weird little “yeah, hold on” as he pulled out his sketchbook from his bag and ripped a small section from it, and wrote down his phone number. He reread it maybe a thousand times in the span of a single second, making sure it was written clearly before handing it to Charlie. 

“Aw, thanks!”

Nodding, Panda gathered up his belongings and prepared to start walking again, but was suddenly hit with the realization he had forgotten to thank Charlie for picking up his manga earlier. It was a simple gesture, but he didn’t have to do it. “Oh, hey-- I didn’t thank you for earlier. So… thank you.”

“What’d I do earlier?”

“You picked up my book...”

“Oh, that? Psh, it’s no problem! I try to be gentlemanly when I can.” 

Panda had to smile. Before they made it back to Grizz and Ice Bear, Charlie suddenly stopped in his tracks. “Oh man, is it that time already? Sorry Pan-Man, but I gotta split! Thanks for letting me bother you!”

“S-See you around!” 

And with that, Charlie was gone; Panda half-jogged back to his brothers who had been waiting for him by the doors. What the people on the internet had said was right, no one looks cool running with a messenger bag.

“You sure took a one-eighty from when you were last around Charlie,” Grizz commented, having noticed the weird flip his younger brother’s relationship with his teammate had taken. “What happened to ‘people should leave us alone’?” 

Grizz pushed open the door with a loud _CLICK_ and the three made their way into the dark outside, and headed towards the car. Panda took issue with staying at the school until the sky was dark, but it gave him a reason to not stay in bed, so he lived with it. “I’m just entertaining him…”

Was that the truth? Panda didn’t know. Grizz fixed him with a weird look. “Sure were smiling a lot for someone talking to someone out of necessity.” 

Okay, so it may not have been out of necessity. Charlie was nice, Panda knew. He didn’t know him long enough to have ulterior motives, he guessed. For Charlie to gravitate towards him instead of almost a dozen people more presumably adjacent to Charlie’s interests was new to Panda, and he couldn’t say he didn’t find it flattering. “Was I smiling?”

“Sure you were, bro.”

“Ice Bear saw stars in Panda’s eyes.”

If anything sucked about Ice Bear; it was how he was just atonal enough to make it impossible to know if he was joking or serious.

Panda grumbled something incoherent, probably in protest of his brothers claims. 

“We’re just glad our little PanPan is making friends!” After stepping into the car and jamming the key into the ignition, Grizz reached his hand over to the passengers seat and squeezed Panda’s cheek, earning a high-pitched groan from the shorter brother. 

Despite it admittedly embarrassing him to a fair degree, Panda understood why Grizz (and even Ice Bear, who ended up dozing off in the back seat) was made so excited by the prospect of Panda potentially making friends. He was never the most social of the three of them, even compared to Ice Bear, who, despite being the quietest of the three, had a sizable number of self-proclaimed “fans.” Grizz, on the other hand, was no celebrity, but he still had a positive reputation around the school. Panda, meanwhile, felt like he was just there. He didn’t have any close friends, he wasn’t a genius, and he didn’t play any sports, and he’d walk out with a diploma and nothing else.

As they pulled away and out from the school, Panda wondered if things would always be like this and if he was okay with it or not.

Before he came to a conclusion, Panda’s phone buzzed against his leg. A number not registered to his phone had flashed on the screen, above the words: ‘ _had fun talking to u tonite,_ ’ paired with a string of emojis that even Panda considered excessive. Panda still smiled, however, but hid it from his brothers to avoid any more embarrassing interrogation. He tapped a quick ‘ _you too_ ’ and sent it. Before turning his screen back off, Panda made sure to save Charlie’s number into his phone, appropriately under the contact name “tall guy.” 

Panda would soon come to a conclusion that he was sure of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just learned how to italicize!


	3. more than anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am SO SO sorry for the delay! Chapter 3 was rough for me-- it went through an entire rewrite because what I had originally written was far from where I wanted to go with this character. On top of that there have been some developments in my health that have hindered my motivation and ability to write, as well as preparing for the SAT and several final projects I've been needing to work on, among other things. In other news, on the last chapter I received a nice comment from someone asking if I would be including Grizznom in this story at all, which I thought was really funny because I had already written Grizznom parts for this! I will admit that while I think Grizznom is very fun and I like it a lot, I haven't spent as much time consuming content of it than I have Panlie content, so I'm not totally sure what Grizznom shippers are even into. I hope it's this?

A year or two ago he would have been flattered. This was all happening at the wrong time, he thought. When he was first starting out, he appreciated every like, view, and comment individually-- now, everything was starting to blend together and making him lose track of things. At some point he stopped seeing the view count on his videos as living, breathing people, and started seeing it as just some number he had to raise by any means necessary.

He wanted to go back to the time in history where this would have made him happy. He wanted (SO BADLY) to go back to when every interaction with fans would put him on top of the world. He was just so, so worn down

“Nom Nom!” Shouted a desperate voice he didn’t recognize.

Oh, no. He just wanted to walk home in peace, but the world seemed to have different plans for him. He didn’t have the luxury (if you could even call it that given the circuｍstances) of picking up speed to escape his pursuer, because _that’s not something someone who loves their fans does._

So he stopped, making sure to plaster on a smile before flipping his hood off and turning on his feet to face the source of the feminine voice behind him. 

There stood a cluster of six or seven teenage girls who looked around the same age as him, all with their phone cameras suspiciously pointed at him, each wearing starstruck grins on their faces. 

As soon as he turned to look at them, however, he was met with the sound of excited giggling and whispers he couldn’t make out. He gulped nervously.

“A-Are you guys, um…” he cleared his throat, “Are you ladies fans?”

He could barely make out the words _‘He’s talking to us!’_ before another one of them spoke up. “We’re your biggest fans! I-I have all of your palettes!”

One of the girls, he didn’t get a good look at which one, grabbed his arm at some point, and proceeded to yank him in her direction, drawing a half-escaped yelp from the young celebrity. 

He wanted so badly to push her away or tell her to back off. Didn’t he have a right to personal space, or was that stripped of you when you became famous? He couldn’t retaliate the way he wanted though, as the girls still seemed to be filming-- no matter how appealing the idea of intentionally destroying his reputation sounded, he’d rather have no reputation at all than be known as “the guy who yells at girls.” 

So, he laughed it off. Before he knew it the girls were closer than they were before, touching and grabbing at Nom Nom like he was a doll, all the while questions were thrown in his face that ranged from mundane topics like who his next collab would be with or when he was releasing new makeup shades, to more invasive topics that nearly made him sick to know people even wanted to know things like that. He had trouble, however, answering these questions without another one of the girls rudely speaking over him. 

Nom Nom tried to get a good look at the space around him that wasn’t occupied with rabid fans. Of all the days for San Francisco to be empty! 

Nom Nom decided he had enough and just ran for it. He bolted away from the girls, sprinting sprinting sprinting until his lungs (and legs) begged for a break. He ducked into an alley after making sure he was far, far away from those girls 

Panting heavily, he leaned against the rough brick wall. His trembling hands rested on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. He knew he’d have to start moving again soon, he couldn’t be sure those girls weren’t looking for him. He just needed a break. His lungs burned from overexertion, and he coughed a few times before straightening his back out and making time for a paranoia-filled glance over both shoulders.

He was just assaulted on the street. He knew that. He also knew that if he tried to call the police or even pretend that it had any adverse effect on him he’d only be asking for trouble-- he remembered all too well the incident at the book signing event. 

His swimming thoughts eventually focused on the one person who gave a damn. He sat down, not letting the questionable cleanliness of the asphalt below him bother him. It was the last thing on his mind. Drawing his knees close to him, he took out his phone from his front pocket. 

After taking a minute to allow the shaking to stop, Nom Nom wasted no time in dialing the number that was burned into his brain. 

It never rang more than twice. He didn’t know if that was because it was he who was calling or if he was just that quick in getting to calls; neither would have surprised him.

“Nom Nom!” Came the honeylike voice from the other end, melting his stress away like ice cream. 

“Grizz,” Was the only thing Nom Nom could utter, his voice a mixture of panic and relief, which resulted in a voice crack he normally would have been embarrassed by, but wasn’t; there wasn’t anything to be embarrassed of around Grizz, who was, like, the king of embarrassment. In all truthness, though, he knew he had nothing to hide from Grizz.

“Everything okay?” Grizz questioned, his voice teetering on that edge of concern he achieved every time something didn’t sound right. 

_Was_ everything alright? Nom Nom’s head said _yes_ but his heart said _no._ He wanted to break down, spill all his feelings into the tiny phone at his ear, but he managed to hold it together on willpower alone. His heart felt like one of those watermelons that people put hundreds and hundreds of rubber bands around, mere moments before exploding. 

“I don’t know,” He compromised, after an extra moment of silence in which he used to come up with said compromise.

He wanted to be at Grizz’s house. He had to think for a second about how he’d get there, though. Should he walk there, and risk getting assaulted again, or inconvenience Grizz by asking him to come pick him up? Both options were excruciating, but it wasn’t like he had any choice in the matter. He figured it’d be safer to stay in hiding; he knew Grizz wouldn’t mind picking him up.

“I know when you’re not telling the truth,” Grizz gently prodded.

Nom Nom gulped, stifling his pride. “Come get me, I’ll be waiting at the corner of 5th and 6th.”

“You got it, dude.”

“...Thank you,” It came out awkwardly, but he was worried about sounding too demanding. 

“I’ll see you soon; I love you.” 

Grizz was able to say it so naturally. This gnawed at Nom Nom more than he liked to admit. They hadn’t been dating long, but Grizz treated him like they had been married for decades. This would have been a dream if Nom Nom was able to freely… be himself in front of the world. He had this perfect boyfriend that loved the world and everything in it and wore his heart openly on his sleeve, and everything he did was fueled by love for Nom Nom, but he couldn’t even repay Grizz by allowing him to show Nom Nom off. Grizz was perfectly understanding about this, which was both a relief and a problem. On one hand, Nom Nom was grateful to have such an accepting boyfriend that he was willing to put his own wants on hold just so he’d be safe, but on the other hand he felt so darn guilty about it every time Grizz was able to say those three particular words.

_I love you_ , he’d say it every day without fail, thickening the walls around Nom Nom’s tense heart, and he wanted to break free just that much more.

“Love you too,” Nom Nom replied, anxiety tingeing his words.

Not for one second did he feel ashamed for loving men, for loving Grizz, but he knew just how _cruel_ the world was towards people like him. He wasn’t scared, he was… cautious. Not to mention the very likely possibility of his more… vibrant fans taking their what Nom Nom dubbed ‘heterosexual rage’ out on Grizz, who didn’t sign up for any of that. Things were fine how they were, and things were ideal. Things were right were they needed to be. 

Not long after the initial phone call did Grizz pull up at the corner Nom Nom was stationed at in his dust-colored sedan that was surely older than its owner. Wordlessly and without commotion did Nom Nom enter the car, taking in the familiar scent. It comforted him, in the same way setting foot in your grandmother’s house would feel. It was different from the loveless limousines he was used to; the initial luxury of expensive limos and party buses had worn off into a form of decadence. 

Nom Nom took in a deep breath, releasing it shortly after in the form of a relieved sigh. 

“What were you doing in the alley, buddy?”

Gripping the seatbelt with both hands as his vision focused on the quickly changing scenery, Nom Nom wanted to avoid the question. Grizz knew him too well, though, so that’d be impossible. 

“It’s just-- some people don’t know how to mind their own business!” The aching feeling in his midsection came back as he was forced to recall what had occurred earlier. 

That was enough for Grizz, whose otherwise blank expression save for a furrowed brow made it clear to Nom Nom he needed no further information. The car was quiet for a beat, the humming of the stereo the only sound saving them from complete silence. Grizz nodded.

“Your place or mine?”

Anywhere but that palace of solitude. “Y-Your house is… fine, I guess.” 

“Yes sir!” Grizz flashed his signature toothy grin, which put Nom Nom at ease. His smile softened, though. “I’m here for you, dude. Don’t forget that”

“I won’t forget.” And forget he would not. “This whole fame thing, man, I tell ya-- I’m close to being done with it!”

“What? Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?” Grizz joked.

It was true-- Nom Nom flip-flopped pretty darn frequently. Like any rational human with a brain, the attention and the money and the all-expenses-paid trips to Fiji were… quite sweet, to say the least. However, he was willing to ditch all of that, all of it, for some dang peace and quiet. 

“These fans-- they’re just… they’re getting on my last nerves. I feel like I’m not even allowed to bat an eyelash without someone having an opinion on it.” 

“Yeah, I can’t say I envy that,” Grizz laughed, smacking the steering wheel. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t reassuring at all, was it?”

Shaking his head, a little smile crept up onto Nom Nom’s face. “No, actually, you’re terrible!”

“Aw, you don’t mean that.” Grizz chuckled warmly. “If you’re so fed up with these fans, you can hire me as your full-time bodyguard!”

“Hmm, yeah, I’m good, thanks.”

“For real, though. If you want me to, I don’t know, like, walk around with you to places, I’m down. No charge.” 

Nom Nom wondered about a situation where Grizz charged him to simply walk with him to places. “That’s really gay, Grizz.” 

“Boy do I have some news for you, friendo!” Grizz chirped in response. 

Nom Nom let out a genuine laugh, the first one in a while. 

“On a serious note, though, I think it’s a good thing to think about the fans that, y’know… aren’t weirdos. I read the comments on your videos all the time. You’d be surprised how many fans you have that have gone through, like… depression, eating disorders, you name it, and they gush and gush about how you saved them. For every stalker fan you have, there are at least five whose lives you’ve changed for the better, and that’s just going by what people are willing to publicize. No one would blame you if you ducked out of the entertainment sphere, but if I were you, I’d try to remember all the good I’m doing for these kids. You make a lot of people happy, Noms.” 

“I... never thought about it like that.” He was nervous about admitting it, but Grizz made a good point. If he couldn’t manually drop fame cold turkey, he could at least accomplish something positive with his burden. Maybe he’d fizzle out in a few years, anyways. Sure, it’d suck for a while, but at least it’d have a purpose. “Hey, Grizz?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want.”

“Aw, this again?” Grizz complained, but the smile adorning his face reassured Nom Nom he wasn’t upset. 

“I love you a lot, I hope you know that.” Nom Nom looked over at Grizz, who continued smiling.

“Now you’re starting to sound like me!”

“I’m serious, though. I’m just worried about…” Nom Nom stretched out his arms in front of him and sucked air in through his teeth. “Y’know, the… people.”

“I get it, dude. Not everyone’s like us!”

“It doesn’t even have anything to do with the fact that we’re gay! It’s just, like… You know I have crazy fans! I’m worried that if they find out I’m not single, and thus no longer susceptible to their freak fantasies they’ll, like, I don’t know--”

“I told you, dude. It’s okay! I won’t force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, ever. If we have to keep this a secret forever, as long as you’re comfortable, so am I.”

Nom Nom breathed a shaky sigh of relief. Grizz’s reassurances didn’t fully soothe the guilt that ate away at him, but he figured Grizz would have no reason to lie. 

He sighed again, this time with more force than before, and put his palm to his forehead. “I love you Grizz, I love you so much. Feel like I don’t say it enough.”

“I love you too, dude,” As they pulled into the parking lot of Grizz’s apartment, Grizz ruffled Nom Nom’s hair. “More than anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to receive real-time updates on LTFB and... a more in-depth look at what I consider my creative process, I started an official Twitter!! My username on there is LEMONADANG_ao3! Please follow it!


	4. i'll be your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darkest red mixing with the color green; a lie; and a proclamation.

The late afternoon air was cold on Panda’s neck. He had stayed later than normal for art club, so his brothers were already waiting for him at home and he was walking there by himself. Grizz had asked Panda no shy of a million times if he would be okay on his own, and Panda had reassured him every single time that he would be okay, even if he didn’t necessarily believe that himself. He didn’t need a chaperone wherever he went, so telling a white lie every once in a while should have been okay. 

It _should_ have been, he thought. 

“Hey, is that my old buddy Panda?!” 

Great, just what Panda needed.

“What do you want, Ralph?” Panda had groaned back, stopping in his tracks to face Ralph, who had called out to him from the opposite sidewalk. He jaywalked across to the other side of the road to meet Panda, who had begun fastwalking in a futile attempt to get away from him.

“Aw, where are you going? I just wanna talk!” Ralph matched his speed to Panda’s, and reached his hand out to try and touch Panda’s shoulder.

“I don’t have anything to talk to you about!” With a forceful shove, Panda pushed Ralphs hand off of him.

“Fine-- If you wanna play rough, let’s play rough!”

Ralph’s football-player hands found themselves tough on the nape of Panda’s neck, sending shocks of pain through Panda as he was dragged into a nearby alley. In an instant, Ralph grabbed Panda by the face and forced him to the ground. Panda rushed to grab his phone and call for help, but Ralph quickly took the phone from him and tossed it aside, thereby destroying any hope Panda had of getting away. 

The first thing he did was stomp on Panda’s glasses, which had fallen off after he had grabbed his face; the crunching of glass was the only way Panda was made aware of this. The second thing he did was kick him square in the temple, hard enough to break the skin. Now rendered practically blind, Panda had no lines of defense other than to protectively shield his head with his arms as Ralph kicked him over and over. 

Unable to hear much over the sound of his own sobs and the ringing in his ears, Panda didn’t initially notice the figure shouting his name.

Someone had been walking home at the same time as Panda, and, through sheer coincidence, had witnessed the unfortunate altercation in the alley. 

Slowly uncurling from himself, Panda noticed the figure held Panda’s-- now shattered-- phone and the crushed remains of his glasses in his hands. Ralph stood a few yards away, a hand over his nose which was now gushing blood under his fingers, having obviously been broken. 

“Panda, can you stand up? Here, let me just--” Panda’s savior opened up his messenger bag and put his phone and what was left of his glasses inside. “There we go!”

Blinking his way back into semi-consciousness, Panda tried to get a good look at the one who saved his life. Long, soft hair tied into a high ponytail and two long arms that would eventually pull Panda in close were all he could make out in his lack of sight. “C-Charlie…”

“I’m here, Panda. You’ll be okay, man, You’re gonna be okay.” Charlie kept his tone firm, deciding he needed to be Panda’s strength right now. 

Panda stayed blinking at Charlie while he rested in his arms, hoping it would will his sight back into existence. It didn’t. “I-I can’t see anything!” 

“I’ll be your eyes for tonight, let’s just get you back home.” Charlie lifted himself up with Panda in his arms, bridal style. He had slung Panda’s bag around his shoulder, not minding the extra weight. Panda said nothing.

Weakly clinging to Charlie’s shirt which he had began to bleed on, the color changing from a faded green to a sickly maroon, Panda thought about what lead to this chain of events as Charlie started walking again, taking extra care as to not aggravate any of Panda’s wounds.

Ralph was the star quarterback for the East Bay Cougars, which was also the name of their football team for some reason. He had become friends with Grizz all the way back in middle school, but that started to change when Ralph’s parents got divorced and his father gained full custody of him. That was the same year Panda started attending East Bay High School, and he was a _tiny_ thing. He was only 4’11 as a freshman, which is one of the worst things you can be as a teenage boy in high school. This made him an easy target for bullies, especially Ralph, and that was what led to the eventual downfall of he and Grizz’s friendship

The only people who knew Ralph had been bullying Panda were Grizz and Ice Bear. Panda had been telling them less and less about these interactions, however. The last thing he wanted was to be considered a snitch, or to start drama. He couldn’t hide the injuries he received as easily, though, but makeup is a wonderful thing in that regard. He was clumsy enough to blame some of the wounds he was unable to cover up with makeup on simple things like running into a door, or a rogue icicle falling and cutting his face. He didn’t like lying, but he liked it more than having people worry about him.

Now, he was being carried home by an annoying boy who... put his life in danger to save him. Someone who could have walked away and pretended not to see anything and would have been fine, but he didn’t. He broke Ralph’s _nose_. What a wonderful fool.

Jeez, was he crying now? 

??????????

Charlie stopped walking again when he felt Panda sobbing into his shirt. “Panda?”

When Panda didn’t reply, Charlie quietly leaned against a nearby brick wall to give Panda a minute to collect himself. He breathed a sigh, looking at the stars beginning to form against the darkening sky. When he looked back down at Panda in his arms, He was met with those doey dark brown-almost-black eyes that reflected the stars. Charlie blushed.

Panda looked away, still clinging to Charlie’s shirt. “...Why?”

“Hm?”

“You didn’t have to do all this… Getting rid of Ralph was one thing, but carrying me home…” 

“Do you want me to put you down?”

Panda automatically shook his head left and right. He had wanted to tell him yes, but his body moved on its own. Charlie just felt so… warm. “No. Please don’t leave.” 

“You got it, Pan-Man.” Charlie beamed.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Panda barely whispered. “What’s the use in saving me?”

“Why wouldn’t I want to save my best friend?” He said it like the answer was obvious.

“Best friend…?” Panda repeated, mentally making note of the way the words felt in his mouth. “But we’ve only known each other for like, a week.”

“That’s the longest anyone has stuck around with me.”

The words cut through Panda like a knife through the _tension in the air._ Is that really how he thought of him? He guessed that was all a best friend was, after all. A friend that’s the best. 

??????????

“Oh… Hm!”

“What?” Panda looked up. 

“I... don’t think I know where you live. Guess I forgot to ask, heh...” 

Panda knew it was probably not the best idea to give Charlie his address or even a general idea of where his home was, but decided to cast his worries to the side for today. He told charlie his address and in response his face lit up. “No way, I live in the same building!”

Well, that makes things infinitely more weird.

“We live in unit 9B,” Panda casually remarked.

Charlie holding Panda in the way that he was was starting to become miserable for the both of them. Panda was getting physically uncomfortable and his legs ached, not unlike the way one’s body would feel after falling asleep in a car. On the other hand, carrying 100 pounds in your arms for a mile and a half isn’t exactly easy on the arms either. Neither of them would admit to this, though, something about being in Charlie’s arms just felt… right. 

??????????

They made it back to Panda’s apartment within 10 minutes. 

“Are you… gonna be able to stand, you think?” Charlie worried aloud, hesitant to put Panda down. 

“Yeah-- and I don’t even wanna think about what my brothers would say if they saw us like this…”

“H-Heh, if you say so…” Charlie allowed Panda to hop down from his arms, reclaiming his bag from Charlie’s shoulder and proceeding to rummage through it for his key. Before he could get to it, though, Charlie took Panda by the shoulder and spun him around

“I-- Uh… I just…” Charlie stammered. He had this troubled look on his face, like he so desperately wanted to say or do something but was being held back by some invisible force that was there but Panda couldn't _see_ it yet. 

“It’s okay, man.” Panda reassured. “You did a lot to help me tonight, so, um… thanks.” 

Panda stabbed his key in the general vicinity of the deadbolt a few times, audibly sighing in his sightless state. 

“You need some… You need some help there, buddy?” Charlie held back a laugh, not wanting to embarrass his best friend.

Panda stayed silent, not wanting to admit defeat by a darn lock and key. This didn’t deter Charlie, however, who decided to help guide Panda’s hand, and key by extension, to the lock. And this was exactly as awkward as you’d expect. This was because Charlie had taken Panda’s hand totally into his own, so Panda did end up getting the key into the lock in the end but at the cost of his own dignity. Being in another guys arms for a good hour was totally normal, but he drew the line at weird, awkward handholding-- if that could even be considered handholding. It was just weird and uncoordinated. 

“Um… Thank you, for that.” 

“Uh…”

“Um…”

That entire event became null as soon as the door to the apartment swung open without the use of the dang key that was making everything so awkward in the first place, revealing a shocked Grizz. 

“Panda?! C-Charlie?!” Grizz scanned the two and stopped when his eyes locked on Panda’s bloody temple and then to Charlie’s shirt, which was also bloody (and tear-stained, but to a lesser extent.) “Where were you, Panda? Are you okay? What happened to your head?”

“Some stupid stuff happened, I’ll fill you in tomorrow, my head hurts a lot.” Panda tried to explain.

“What are you doing here, Charlie?” Grizz questioned, trying his hardest to not sound rude or annoyed. He genuinely wondered why Charlie would accompany Panda home, because his younger brother had always been (or tried to be) a lone wolf. He also wondered whose blood was on his shirt, but that was neither here nor there. Hopefully Panda would elaborate on that tomorrow. 

“Oh, I was just-- you know... “ Bowing his head a little to hide his eyes, Charlie hid his hands behind his back. 

“You guys are being very weird and vague!” Grizz grinned, shaking his head in confusion. “Thanks for walking him home, Charlie.”

Grizz and Charlie shook hands. “Aw, it’s no problem. That’s what friends are for!”

“See ya soon, man.” Grizz nodded approvingly toward Charlie.

“You got it!”

Grizz ushered Panda into the apartment and closed the door, and his demeanor immediately switched to a more neurotic one, as if the fresh air was what was keeping him in check. 

“Panda, your head...! We need to get that fixed! Little bro, where’s the first aid kit?!” Grizz called towards Ice Bear, who was already moving into the bathroom to receive said first aid kit. 

The pain from the cut had reduced from the shooting pains of earlier to a dull ache, and it had stopped bleeding a while ago. He didn’t want to run the risk of infection, though, so Panda didn’t protest when his younger brother returned with various medicines and bandages.

As Ice Bear got to work on dabbing Panda’s wound with a tissue dampened with astringent solution, Grizz began cutting off a strip of gauze from the roll. “How’d you hurt your head? That’s a nasty gash.”

“I uh, I fell-- that’s why Charlie carried--” Panda coughed, _loudly_. “-- _walked_ me home!”

Even Ice Bear was giving Panda a weird look, taking a second to narrow his eyes and shoot a knowing glance at Grizz, who had the _worst_ smirk on his face. 

“Alright, bro. Whatever you say. Hold your hair back for a second.”

Panda obliged, flipping up his bangs so Grizz could tape the folded gauze to his cut. He winced from the added pressure, but the pain it was immediately quelled by the medicinal ointment Ice Bear had applied beforehand. 

“Ice Bear saved your dinner.” The blonde pointed towards the fridge with a blank expression.

“Thank you, but I’m not hungry.” Panda lied. He hadn’t eaten in many hours, but wanted nothing more than to go to bed. He appreciated the nice gesture, but tonight was… something he would need to recover from sooner rather than later.


	5. something foreign

Seven days had passed since that evening. Grizz and Ice Bear insisted Panda spend the following couple days resting, not wanting to stress him or his wounds. Panda had conveniently “forgotten” to explain to his brothers the events of that evening, but they didn’t press him about it. 

Now, it was night time again, but Panda couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning uncomfortably in his restless state, he eventually just decided to stay up. Sleep just wouldn’t happen that night, he guessed. Not for a while. 

He looked over to where his phone was, charging, sitting on the end table. Picking it up, he thought a few scrolls through social media would quell his active mind. Unfortunately, however, a great majority of the people he followed were asleep, so he had little to work with. He thought about waking up one of his brothers, but didn’t want to burden them with his own problems. 

His eyes glanced over to the ‘phone’ app. 

...There’s no way he’d be awake at this hour, right? 

He stared at the green icon for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes before deciding to tap it and make the call.

It rang four times before Panda heard a voice on the other end.

“...Hello?”

“Charlie? Did I wake you up? I’m sorry…!” Panda tried to stay quiet, his rushed whispers distorting his voice to a desperate squeak.

“Nah, I was already up. You sure are callin’ me late, heh… Are you that desperate to hear my voice?” Charlie quipped, half joking. 

“Yeah, actually,” Panda rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes. “Come over, I can’t sleep; I want to see you.”

If you were to ask, Panda would have trouble explaining to you when his feelings for Charlie began to change into those of fondness. Maybe it was at Grizz’s basketball practice, when he realized Charlie wasn’t going to give up on befriending Panda, who had initially thought Charlie was annoying. Maybe it was when he carried him home. It had less to do with Panda feeling like he owed Charlie for all the kindness he’s showed him, although he still subconsciously felt like he did; it had more to do with… just craving that closeness with someone that he had been deprived of most of his life. He loved his brothers, they were all he had, but with Charlie… things were different. He loved Charlie like another brother, but he didn't love his brothers the same way as he loved Charlie. Panda knew this didn't make any sense, but knew dwelling on it would only confuse him further. 

Panda was aware these feelings developed rather quickly, and he bit his tongue whenever he thought about them; this was totally new to him.

Panda was an active user of four different dating websites. He would mindlessly swipe left and right on apparently different girls whose faces started blending into one after enough time, every new match an opportunity to gain back all those years he lost to loneliness. 

“Alright, give me 10 minutes.” Was Charlie’s reply, after a brief beat of hesitation. 

“Okay, see you then.” Panda hesitated a minute before hanging up, an underlying urge to say more but not knowing what to say. Perhaps there was something there Panda couldn’t _see_ yet. 

Panda gracefully stumbled out of bed to go put on clothes that weren’t pajamas. They had dipped into their emergency funds to buy Panda a new pair of glasses, which Panda insisted weren’t necessary until Grizz had playfully smacked him in the face, telling him “If you could see you would have been able to deflect that!” 

So Panda put on his new glasses after throwing on a hoodie and jeans, and a pair of tennis shoes. He didn’t expressly tell Charlie he wanted to go outside for fresh air, but he hoped he’d be on board; it may also have been the easiest way to avoid waking up his brothers.

Charlie must have picked up on that too, because before long Panda’s phone dinged with a text from Charlie, simply reading _‘im here!’_ in lieu of a knock.

Carefully sneaking out of his room to avoid waking Ice Bear who was asleep on the pullout couch, Panda snuck past his sleeping younger brother and towards the door. His heart was pounding a mile a minute, anxiety gnawing at him. Making sure he had his key and cell phone on him, he opened the door slower than what was probably necessary for the situation.

He closed the door much quicker. If either of his brothers woke up, he wouldn’t be there to answer their confused questions, so it didn't matter to him. 

Charlie was standing outside Panda’s apartment, and looked up from his phone to the shorter boy in front of him when he heard the door open and close. “I almost texted you again,” He laughed, putting his phone in his front pocket. 

Panda laugh-sighed, relief flooding over him. 

“Do you… wanna go for a walk? I know a good place!” Charlie beamed.

“You read my mind.” 

@@@

“So, where are we heading?” Panda asked. They had left their apartment complex not too long ago, the moon and stars their only guide.

“It’s just this little place I go when I wanna get away from everything. It’s kind of a hidden gem.” Charlie explained.

“Oh. What’s it like?”

“It’s this lake,” Charlie divulged. “I discovered it last week! It’s on the way home from school, so I've been trying to stop by at least once a day. You’re the only other person I’ve told about it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I _can’t_ tell anyone else. It’s like… my _thing,_ y’know? If everyone knows about it, it’ll stop being my _thing_.”

“You’re telling me about it, though.” Panda puzzled. 

“Well, yeah. It seems like you could use it, and you don’t seem like the type to go and blab about it.”

Panda looked down at his feet as he walked, a faint blush creeping up on his cheeks. For Charlie to feel comfortable enough with Panda to let him in on one of the most intimate parts of his life was something foreign to Panda. It made him feel special in a way that was absent most of his life. 

Panda gulped when Charlie led him towards an unmarked section of the path they’d been traversing for the past half hour. The branches grew much more unruly due to their disassociation to the main path, and what looked like poison oak grew up a number of trees.

Panda gulped. “A-Are you sure about this, Charlie? This looks unsafe...”

“It’s all good, Pan-Man! I’ve been down here a million times.” Charlie pushed a rogue branch out of the way so it wouldn’t hit Panda. “Just stay close to me.”

Charlie lent his arm to Panda, who took it without question. 

After 30 or so fear-filled paces, Panda and Charlie finally arrived at the famous lake. 

And Panda genuinely gasped. The way the silver moon reflected in the glistening water didn’t even look real, but it was, and it was _magnificent_.

Charlie bashfully rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, it’s pretty rinky-dink, but-”

“Charlie, this is _incredible!_ ” Panda wandered out into the grassy clearing, slowly spinning around to fully take in his surroundings. He stopped to face Charlie, who was focused on nothing but Panda. He rushed back over to Charlie, taking one of his hands and pulling him over to a sizable rock near the water. 

“Ah, it feels good to sit after walking for a while.” Panda mused aloud, taking a seat on the rock. He looked up at Charlie expectantly, who took his seat next to Panda. “So, how’d you find this place?”

“Oh, you know, heh…” Charlie looked away from Panda. “Thought I’d try a shortcut, ended up taking a wrong turn and found myself here.” 

“You’ll never find me trying anything like that, eugh-- too many… I don’t know, bugs?” Panda kicked the ground. “I may as well beg for an allergic reaction.”

“I practically live in the woods,” Charlie chuckled agonizingly, like he was trying and failing to cover up an uncomfortable truth. “My family, we move around a lot. Have been since I was a kid. The woods are really one of the only constants in my life, every city’s got ‘em.” 

“Do you ever go home?”

“Of course I do! Home is home. Even if that home changes every couple years.”

Panda suddenly realized he didn’t have anything to do with his hands. He had his phone, but thought it’d be rude if he used it right now, so it stayed in his pocket. It wasn’t what he came here to do.

“...Hey, Charlie?” 

“Yeah?”

“I really hope you find what you’re looking for.” Whatever that was. 

Charlie’s mouth opened like he was going to say something, but he closed it just as quickly. Instead, Panda could have sworn Charlie had a sad look on his face as he turned to look at the water. “...I hope so too.” He uttered instead. 

Panda wondered for a moment if he had said something wrong, his expression turning to that of concern as he looked his friend over. It was a good time to change the subject, he thought.

“...If you could be any plant, what would you be?”

It seemed to work, as Charlie's expression changed to more of a bittersweet smile as he took a moment to think about his answer. 

“Oak trees seem to have their own thing going on. You never hear any news about them. They mind their business. They just sorta… tower over everything. Look after the little plants.”

Woah. Deep. Panda blinked. “I would probably be a lily. They’re pretty.” 

Panda’s answer wasn’t as heavy, and he felt sort of embarrassed by that fact. He thought it was really funny that Charlie thought he would be a tree, though-- he was almost as tall as one. 

Panda yawned, the beginnings of exhaustion tugging at his eyelids. “I think I’m starting to get tired.”

Charlie looked down at Panda. “We can head home if you want!”

Panda checked his phone for the time, and saw it was 1:30 in the morning. The realization hit him like a sack of bricks that he had pretty much dragged Charlie out here in the middle of the night because _he_ couldn’t sleep. He never stopped to ask or even think if Charlie would be okay with that. 

He was hit with a second realization shortly after-- Charlie never protested. 

Carrying him home, going on a walk with him in the middle of the night, these were things Panda didn’t think he deserved, but Charlie gave him with seemingly no hesitation on the matter. His mind keeps going back to when he picked up his manga off the floor when they first met; it was such a simple thing but he couldn’t help but think about it all the time. 

“Yeah… I don’t wanna worry my brothers.” Panda’s brothers were heavy sleepers, a vast contrast from himself. He still retained a dormant worry, though, that one of them would wake up for whatever reason and notice his absence. He knew they probably wouldn’t care, it wasn’t like this was the first time any of them had snuck out before. Still, he knew that they knew he was the least likely to sneak out, thus giving them the impression that something had happened to their precious middle brother. 

Charlie got up from the rock, stretching his arms out behind his head. Panda got up after him, making sure he had everything with him before they made their return.

@@@

They walked back slowly. The sense of urgency had faded, Panda decided he would just be honest with his brothers if they wanted to know where he was tonight. 

“...Hey.” Panda looked down and away from Charlie, nervously holding onto his elbows.

“What’s up?” 

“You keep… doing things for me.”

“Do I?” Despite the obvious observation that had come from Panda, Charlie remained oblivious to his chivalry.

“I mean… Kinda, yeah.” Panda whispered thoughtfully, his tone softening. 

“Aw, shucks.” Charlie smirked bashfully, focusing his vision on the ground beneath him. “Call me your knight, then, because I ain’t stopping!”

Panda was thankful for Charlie’s joy, bringing a smile to his face and moving the subject to a less serious one.

“Man, I _do not_ want to go to school on Monday.” Charlie groaned, tilting his head up to look at the stars above and stuffing his hands into his pockets. 

“Just do what I do when I don’t want to go to school and make yourself vomit.” Panda regretted the advice the second it came out of his mouth; he blamed the lack of sleep for that. _Don’t tell him you do that, Panda, that’s weird._

Charlie still laughed, though, taking it as a joke. “Noted!”

@@@

They were two floors up when Panda remembered Charlie lived on the first floor. Panda, in all his wisdom, decided to call attention to this. 

“Hey, don’t you live downstairs?” If Panda knew better he’d say Charlie was following him.

“Oh, I was just… Walking you home! Heh…” Charlie blushed, seemingly unaware he was even still behind Panda. “It gets scary out here at night. Like… wolves and stuff.”

Panda was sure there hadn’t been a wolf in San Francisco in decades. He’d never seen one, at least. Anyhow, Panda could tell Charlie was trying to play it off, as he’d begun leaning his left shoulder on the cold brick wall of their apartment complex, hands back in his pockets, likely in an attempt to appear cool. It wasn’t working, but Panda didn’t want to break his heart just yet. “I think I can manage from here.”

Yeah, if a wolf manages to turn a doorknob and get inside an apartment complex, Panda has bigger problems.

But Panda said it while keeping his eyes locked with Charlie’s, taking a few backwards steps towards the direction of his apartment with an incredulous smile on his face. 

“At least let me walk you to your door-- I’ll be out of your hair then, promise.”

Panda decided to take Charlie up on his offer; it wasn’t too far from their current location. Same floor, at least. “Alright, fine.”

The look on Charlie’s face alone was enough to light up the entire hallway. He filled in the room between Panda and himself with two with two long-legged paces so they’d be walking in tandem again.

Panda would have called it counterintuitive, because they didn’t talk once in the three-minute walk back to Panda’s apartment.

“Thanks, Charlie, for… all of this. You didn’t have to do all this with me like this.”

There was a beat of silence before Charlie responded, almost like he wasn’t listening at all. “It’s all good!” 

“Nah man, I didn’t even ask if you were okay with this, I just--”

Charlie didn’t let him finish and instead leaned down and pressed his lips to Panda’s. He gripped the shorter boy’s shoulders like he was afraid he’d fly away. A small surprised sound left Panda and his eyes shot open at the sudden display of affection. 

The kiss lasted only a couple seconds, but that was enough time for Panda’s eyes to slowly flutter shut and involuntarily sink into Charlie’s embrace. It just felt… right. Deep inside, _something_ was pulling him close, and it was more than just Charlie’s arms.

When they broke apart, however, something within Panda woke up. Charlie said nothing, his expression blank, chest heaving.

Emotion after emotion flowed into Panda in the span of a couple seconds. At first, he was confused, then angry, but not at Charlie, he didn’t know who he was angry at. Himself, for leaning in? Maybe. In the end, he was just left with his mouth still agape, and a flurry of unanswered questions in his heart, which raced on.

“Charlie…”

Charlie stayed silent, his expression a mix of acceptance and tension.

“Charlie, no, I-- I’m not…” Panda stumbled through his words. “I don’t…”

What did Panda want to say? What was there _to_ say? He didn’t know-- his head was a thunderstorm, his heart a hurricane. He suddenly remembered the girl he matched up with on Yo-Date.

Panda didn’t say anything else, and left Charlie alone on his doormat that night without saying goodbye.


	6. everything leads back to him

Charlie came by the cave on Monday afternoon. Panda hadn’t shown up at school that day, which wasn’t anything particularly _unusual,_ but… given the events of the previous weekend, it greatly worried Charlie. 

He had kissed Panda. _He had kissed Panda._ It had been late, and they had just spent the night together at the lake, and he just… _loved how the moon looked in Panda’s eyes._

Charlie had been having trouble keeping it together lately. It was an uncomfortable truth for Charlie to admit, but he had fallen hard and fast for Panda at some point. 

He really thought there was something there with Panda. He took a huge leap of faith by kissing him, not expecting it to go the way it did. He fell too hard, assumed too much, and it ended up coming back around to bite him. 

His heart was a metronome ticking fast between regret and relief. Kissing Panda, in the moment, was a high no drug could imitate, but anxiety couldn’t help but torment him over the question of he and Panda’s relationship going forward. 

&&&

“Panda? Oh, he’s…” Grizz ducked his head back into the apartment from which he stood in the doorway, sticking his head back out after a moment. “He’s sick. He threw up this morning.”

Grizz’s brow was furrowed in confusion, like he expected Charlie to already have known. Charlie took notice of the door, which was open in such a way that it looked like Grizz was trying to hide whatever was inside, his body taking up all the space it could.

“Can I ta- Can I see him?” Charlie had no idea if Panda had told his brothers about the events of that night, but it certainly seemed like Grizz didn’t want him there. If anything, his awkward and restless disposition gave Charlie the impression that Grizz at least knew _something_ was up. 

“He… probably wants to be alone,” Grizz lessened the amount of room between the door and the doorframe, leaving it mere centimeters less open than it was before. “Sorry, Charlie.”

Charlie smiled, reaching a hand behind his neck. He chuckled awkwardly, hoping to hide whatever he was feeling. “It’s fine! I’ll just stop by later!”

Grizz wordlessly nodded and closed the door, letting the click-clack of locks being the last thing Charlie heard before he departed.

Whether he actually would come back later or not, he’d decide when the time came. He already felt like he made a terrible decision coming here at all, but he _needed_ to talk to Panda again. 

♯♯♯

Beep.

“Panda, I… Hey, it’s been a couple days. You didn’t come to school today, so I stopped by your apartment to check up on you. I guess you’re sick, huh? That’s what Grizz said when I stopped by. I meant to check up again later in the day, but right now, I, um…” Charlie looked around his bedroom. “I’m actually out of the house right now. Don’t think I could hack it, heh.”

There was an elephant in the room that Charlie knew he’d have to address at some point. He was running out of time, though, so he had to make it quick. He cleared his throat.

“About the other night, I, um… I’m sorry. I’m really, really, really, really sorry! If you hate me now, I understand! I wanna talk to you in person about… stuff, so… I don’t know. Please call me back if you can.”

...Voicemail sent. 

♯♯♯

“Panda, are you ready for school?” Grizz asked, knocking on Panda’s open bedroom door. 

“I threw up,” Panda responded quickly, nearly cutting Grizz off. “In the bathroom.”

Grizz drew back for a slight moment, his face contorting in concern. “Are you sick? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

Panda shook his head, gripping the blankets that covered his legs a little bit tighter. “No, I’m fine. I’m staying home from school today, though.”

Grizz nodded. “Alright, bro, Little bro and I are gonna head out early, then. Call if you need anything, I love you.”

Panda smiled softly, relieved he pulled the lie off. He receded, though, still wanting to appear ill enough to seem convincing.

With that, Grizz shut Panda’s bedroom door and took to leaving for school.

Panda always felt guilty about skipping out on school, legitimate reason or not. He probably missed the most school out of all three of them, probably even everyone they knew as a whole. He, however, continued to be the one who harbored the most anxiety about it, spending his whole day off worrying about everything he’s missing, socially and academically. 

Panda had plans today. He had matched with a girl on Yo-Date, and they were supposed to meet for coffee today. He was having trouble getting excited for it, though. His mind still held onto what happened the other night. _The kiss._

Charlie had _kissed_ him. 

And Panda had _left him there. Alone._

He really was the worst, wasn’t he? To lead Charlie on like that, to completely and totally fall into the embrace like that, to… leave him on his doorstep like that.

He leaned into the kiss, that was something Panda knew for sure. To put it simply, kissing Charlie felt… _different._ He remembers how his heart lit up, how warm and safe he felt with his body pressed up against Charlie’s, he remembered how Charlie’s lips felt on his own.

Did he regret leaving Charlie out there like that? Of course he did. It took him 12 hours to regret it. He woke up the next morning with a horrible, anxious pain in his stomach when he remembered what he did. He thought about calling Charlie, and explaining himself, but figured the last thing Charlie would want to do is speak to Panda; hence why he was skipping school today. He was too afraid of the awkwardness that was sure to come, too afraid of hurting Charlie with his presence. 

Why did he do it? Simple, he wasn’t gay. He liked girls. That’s what the world told him he was supposed to do, so that’s what he did. 

Panda took his phone from the nightstand, pulling out the charger. It was half past seven, and his date was at nine. That gave him an hour and a half to get ready, and the early time they’d agreed on gave him more than enough time to spend with the girl and be home before his brothers, so they wouldn’t notice he was gone. 

Panda waited a few minutes to make sure his brothers were fully out the door and a reasonable distance from the apartment, scrolling half-heartedly through social media to kill the time. After five or so minutes had gone by, Panda climbed out of bed, grabbed an outfit from his closet, and headed towards the shower, where he decided he’d let his outfit steam instead of bothering with the iron. 

Panda didn’t like taking showers because they reminded him how dependant on his phone he was. Even 15 minutes without checking his phone felt too long, even when he _rarely_ missed anything. This time, though, he welcomed the break from his phone.

After showering, Panda stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, making sure he had all the components of his outfit. He did, and began changing. 

It was a simple outfit, light blue dress shirt he borrowed from his younger brother’s closet two years ago and never returned, and basic skinny jeans. Not too formal, not too casual. 

It was 8:15 now, and Panda knew the café would take him approximately 20 minutes to get there by foot, which put him at less than 25 minutes to finish getting ready. He figured it’d be a good idea to get there early, though, and show the girl that he was responsible. 

That was what Panda decided on: getting there early. He brushed his damp hair after hitting it with a blow dryer for a minute, and applied a thin layer of makeup before he noticed something in the corner of his eye. 

Grizz owned and wore a number of colognes. Panda hated it, Ice Bear paid no mind to it. It wasn’t even like he wore it at appropriate times, either; he considered basketball games formal enough to wear cologne. 

Panda grabbed the half-empty bottle of cologne, feeling the weight in his hands for a moment. 

...No, he decided. They’d smell it on him later and suspect something was up. 

Deciding he had nothing more to do, and anticipating getting held up in some way before he made it to the café, Panda decided to set off. 

♯♯♯

The girl wasn’t there yet, leaving Panda sitting awkwardly at the table he picked out by the window. She texted him that she got caught up in traffic and would run a little late, which Panda appreciated, knowing she wasn’t ghosting him. That text actually left Panda feeling a little self-conscious, because it implied she had a car, which Panda didn’t have or was even able to afford in the slightest. Panda wondered if girls still dated boys who didn’t drive. 

Panda thought about Charlie again. Charlie wasn’t a people person, but he liked cozy little places like this. Maybe he’d bring him here someday.

Panda nearly jumped when he heard a feminine voice call out to him. “Panda?”

“K-Kyla!” Panda involuntarily stood up, causing the chair underneath him to scoot out behind him with a loud _creak._

Kyla was tall, taller than Panda. She had long, curly, dark hair tied back into a messy ponytail, with a few loose locks framing her face. She wore a plain green tank top dress that ended around her knees, and it fluttered with every move she made. She sat down across from Panda, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. 

“Have you already ordered?” Kyla asked.

“Oh, I wanted to wait for you.”

“I’m sorry I made you wait so long!”

Panda laughed, hoping to reassure the girl. He toyed with a laminated menu that sat on their table, wanting to avoid making eye contact. He hadn’t made eye contact with Kyla the entire date. 

“It’s fine, I promise.”

They both looked down at the table, and it was silent for a minute. Panda’s hands ached for his phone, but he resisted. 

“Um-- What do you want? I’ll go order it.”

“Just a chai latte, please.”

Panda nodded, leaving the table all too quickly, thankful for an escape from the awkward situation.

While Panda wanted to spend hours in that line to avoid having to go back there, he figured it would be easier to just… _get it over with._

Panda stopped this train of thought as he bought the drinks, his being a simple jasmine tea. He usually got coffee, but reckoned the tea would calm his nerves. Coffee would just make him wired. Anyways, Panda nearly literally stopped in his tracks when he stopped to question what he was _talking_ about. 

Why did he so desperately want to be away from this girl? Didn’t he spend nearly _all_ his time wanting a girlfriend? Why was this so… weird? 

Panda brought the drinks back to the table Kyla was waiting at, setting them down in front of their respective owners before they started burning his hands, which the zarfs did little to aid. He huffed a laugh again, gosh he really had to stop doing that. 

Kyla pressed her lips into a smile, laughing clumsily along with Panda.

“So, Panda,” She took a sip of her drink. “What kind of stuff do you like to do?”

“Oh, I just…” Panda dodged her eye contact again. “I like to draw.”

Panda wondered what Charlie was doing right now. Assuming he was at school, it seemed right around time for his physics block, which Panda only knew because that was the class he had to walk in on when he returned Charlie’s jacket he had let him borrow when it got like, super cold outside.

Panda looked up to see Kyla giving him an expectant expression. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry-- did you ask something?”

Kyla’s eyes widened as she shook her head frantically. “No, no! I was just saying that I play soccer.”

Panda sighed in relief. The steam from his tea was beginning to fog up his glasses, which now meant he had to keep his head up and actually _look_ at Kyla. This probably wasn’t normal, Panda suspected.

“Do you have any siblings?” Panda asked in an attempt to break the tension, drumming his fingers on the table. 

“No. I always wanted them, but I’m an only child.”

Charlie didn’t have any siblings. 

Panda wondered why he was thinking about Charlie so much.

“I have two brothers, one older and one younger.”

Kyla giggled. “Wow, are they single?”

She was obviously joking, but it seemed like a bizarre question. Panda ran his finger around the rim of the cup, letting the heat from the steam engulf him for a moment. “The younger one is, but he’s not really the type for dating.” 

“Ahh.”

“So, do you go to school around here?”

Kyla finished off her drink. “Yeah, I go to Washington.”

Panda remembered Charlie telling him he went to Kennedy High School back when he lived in Burbank. 

“I-I go to East Bay High School.”

Kyla laced her hands together on the table, slowly nodding her head. She absentmindedly gazed out the window, looking like she was wishing she could be literally anywhere else. Panda couldn’t say he blamed her.

“Oh, I have a friend that goes there! Do you know Lucy?”

 _Lucy._ hearing the name felt like going to your grandmother’s house after you haven’t been there for years. It left Panda with a funny taste in his mouth, as he remembered how the only relationship he had with her was based around the torch he carried for her. It forced him to recall how life was like before he met Charlie. 

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. Why couldn’t he get Charlie off his mind? Everything leads back to him, no matter how mundane the topic was.

“I know Lucy, she’s really nice!” Panda smiled. He wasn’t lying, Lucy really was a nice girl and Panda felt bad he had as much trouble as he did getting closer to her.

Panda checked the time on his phone, and it was 10:30. How long were dates supposed to be, exactly? This date had been… excruciating. Everything felt forced. It felt like an obligation. Kyla seemed nice enough, but Panda felt like he wanted… something different. He didn’t know what that thing was yet. 

Wait, how do you end a date? There has to be some class involved, Panda knew that. 

“Wait, shoot--” The classic excuse. “--I actually have a doctors appointment I need to get to, so…”

Kyla nodded again, that was something she seemed to do a lot. “No worries! Do you need a ride there?”

Panda didn’t want to spend another second around Kyla. That felt really mean for him to admit, but the awkwardness and tension were very nearly giving him an asthma attack. It had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with what happened when you mixed him and her together. She seemed nice, she really did, but the anxiety was simply too much to handle. They were oil and water; if you really tried hard you might get them to mix for at most a minute, but they were of different components entirely.

Panda balled a fist and set it on the table, the apprehension turning his knuckles white. He laughed again, and kicked himself under the table because of it. “I’m fine, thanks.”

“Yeah, yeah, no worries!”

“Uh--” Panda gathered his belongings, stood up from his seat, and reached out a hand for Kyla to shake. “--It was really nice meeting you!”

“You too!”

Panda thought it was weird that she stayed back when he left the café, and it made him feel even more guilty for bolting like he did. He did see her pack up and appear to leave as he walked past the window, though, so maybe she was just looking for a reasonable window of time to pass so they wouldn’t keep walking together after they said their “goodbyes.”

♯♯♯

The first thing Panda did when he got home was change back into his pajamas, which were composed of an old band t-shirt for a band that had already disbanded long before Panda discovered them, and flannel pants. He balled up the shirt and pants he had worn today and threw them towards the bottom of his closet, not wanting to bother with laundry today. 

As Panda climbed into bed he noticed his body ached, and the covers felt weird on him. He blamed that on the two miles he walked today. 

Panda regretted sneaking out; he would have had more fun at school, which is something no one should have to say _ever._ It was almost 11 now, so his brothers would be home in three hours. That gave him enough time to nap, he figured. That’s all he really wanted to do, anyway.

♯♯♯

“Heeeey sleeping beauty,” Grizz sang as Panda’s eyes fluttered awake. His immediate reaction was to check the clock by his bed-- and holy crap it was half past five. 

“Grizz, hey,” Panda greeted, stretching his arms out far. He yawned, retracting an arm to rub the grogginess from an eye. 

“You missed Charlie,” Grizz said, leaning against the doorframe. “He came by to check on you. I told him you wanted to be alone, though, I know how you get when you’re sick.”

The mention of Charlie’s name sent a cold jolt down Panda’s back, and he nearly blacked out. He laughed flimsily in an attempt to cover up his uneasiness. “Grizz, you should have woken me up!”

He played it off in a joking manner, but… what he wouldn’t give to be able to sit down and _talk_ with Charlie for once. There was… a lot that needed to be said, a lot that needed to be addressed, especially if they were to ever have a normal friendship again. 

“Hey, I’m sorry!” Grizz threw his arms up animatedly. “Are you feeling any better?”

Oh yeah, Panda was supposed to be sick. No point in laying it on thick anymore, school was over. 

“A bit.” He compromised, still wanting the excuse to lay around and do nothing but not wanting to worry his brothers for _real._

“Alright, bro, I’ll get out of your hair,” Grizz conceded. “Just yell if you need anything!”

“Okay, thanks!” 

Grizz left the room, but not before shooting Panda with a quick pair of finger guns. 

Panda sighed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. 

His whole body froze when he noticed the solitary notification on his lockscreen.

_One New Voicemail: Charlie_

Panda panicked. He wanted to delete it, he was terrified of what the voicemail contained and feared the worst, like he tended to do. He knew he wouldn’t get away with deleting it, though, he’d definitely jeopardize their friendship if he did that. Maybe he could ignore it and pretend he didn’t see it? No, that’d just be prolonging the anxiety, knowing he’d have no choice but to listen to it eventually, rather than get it over with now.

He reluctantly tapped the notification, which opened the app, and Panda felt like his heart was going to burst with anticipation as the audio took a moment to buffer.

_Panda, I… Hey, it’s been a couple days. You didn’t come to school today, so I stopped by your apartment to check up on you. I guess you’re sick, huh? That’s what Grizz said when I stopped by. I meant to check up again later in the day, but right now, I, um… I’m actually out of the house right now. Don’t think I could hack it, heh. About the other night, I, um… I’m sorry. I’m really, really, really, really sorry! If you hate me now, I understand! I wanna talk to you in person about… stuff, so… I don’t know. Please call me back if you can._

Panda replayed it. He replayed it twice, three times, four times, until he had practically memorized it. Why was Charlie apologizing? _Panda_ had been the one who stood him up. And… Why would Panda hate Charlie? Panda felt like all the hate should be directed at him instead for making Charlie feel the way he was now.

Charlie had said in the voicemail that he wanted to meet up with Panda at some point to talk things over, which was all Panda wanted from the beginning.

_Please call me back if you can._

Panda stared at the wall for a moment, willing himself to make the call. 

He dialed Charlie’s number, and Panda considered bailing for a second but that idea was quickly dashed once the ringing stopped.

_“...Panda?”_


	7. the G word

_“...Panda?”_

Panda cursed inwardly at himself, completely blanking at what the next step was. He pulled his knees close to himself, back pressed up against the headboard of his bed. 

“C-Charlie, hey. I got your voicemail,” Panda stumbled his way through the sentence, making sure he sounded as gentle as possible as to not worry Charlie any more than he currently figured he was. “Look, man…”

_“I overstepped a huge boundary, Panda, I know--”_

“Charlie, stop! You didn’t overstep anything!” Panda broke, interrupting Charlie before he got too lost in his own head. 

_“W-- Huh?”_ Charlie stuttered. _“What are you talking about?”_

Panda wanted so badly to tell Charlie the truth, holding it in was making his head pound. He didn’t know exactly how many times it crossed his mind, but every new time the kiss graced his thoughts Panda felt… euphoric. Like when the power flickers off for a moment during inclement weather. He just… was unable to focus on other things because it overwhelmed him so much. 

Telling Charlie this, though, was a whole other realm entirely. When he opened his mouth to say something, no words came out and Panda was left agape. Something was holding him back, a presence that was doing a very good job at making its existence painfully known. 

“It-- Just--” Panda fumbled clumsily over the words. He didn’t want to leave Charlie hanging, but he also hadn’t chosen his words before he started speaking. “Charlie, I forgive you; you don’t even have to apologize!” 

Panda tried to phrase it in the most gentle way possible in an attempt to soothe Charlie, despite the civil war happening in his soul. He even finished it off with a little laugh, hoping it would give the illusion he wasn’t feeling like his heart would combust at any moment from how fast it was beating. 

_“...Alright, I’ll take your word for it, then.”_ Charlie spoke after a second of silence. Panda couldn’t see him, but he knew Charlie well enough to picture that dumb relieved smile he did where he closed his eyes. Gosh, even thinking about Charlie’s _face_ made Panda’s own face heat up and feel like his heart was weightless. Did everyone feel like this about their best friend? They had to, Panda knew so. _“I won’t do that again, promise.”_

Panda felt like a string snapped somewhere in his body, and he couldn’t open his mouth to reply. 

_“So, are you feeling better?”_

Panda welcomed the change in topic, despite still feeling like something was clawing at him from within. Would it be worth it to tell Charlie the truth, that he was never sick? Nah, no one needed to know about that but himself.

“Yeah, actually,” Panda opted for the miraculous recovery route so he’d stop feeling so guilty about lying. “I’ll be back at school tomorrow.”

Panda figured there was no point in avoiding Charlie any longer if there were no longer any awkward feelings shared between them.

_”That’s great, Panpan!”_

It still felt awkward. They addressed the elephant in the room, but it hadn’t left. There was a beat of strained silence between them where Panda didn’t take a breath at all. 

“Hey, Charlie?”

_“What?”_

“Let’s talk. I know you said you wanted to,” Panda said, the words stinging his throat from apprehension. “I want to too.” 

_”O-Oh! Okay, then. When did you want to..?”_ Charlie seemed to be having an easier time with the words than Panda was, though he still sounded nervous himself, and like he was trying to mask it. 

“Are you free tomorrow after school?” 

_“Yeah, that’ll do fine!”_

“O-Okay! You can meet me at the café on 5th street.”

Panda finally let out the breath he’d been holding. In all truthness, that was the same café he met Kyla at, but Panda was ready to purge all the negative emotions surrounding that place and hopefully use this opportunity to fill them with positive ones. That was, of course, assuming this talk with Charlie would go well. 

_”See you then, u-um, bye.”_

“See you.” And then Panda hung up and proceeded to flop back down into the pillows. Rolling over so his face would be fully submerged in fluff, Panda worried, and he worried hard. 

24 hours. He had 24 hours to figure out everything he’d say tomorrow, and more than half of those were to be taken up by school and sleep, despite Panda’s clear awareness that sleep wouldn’t be very easy to come by tonight. Honestly, school became more and more unappetizing the longer you’ve gone without it, which for Panda was three days. It would be so easy to skip again tomorrow, but the thought of how much classwork he’d already missed today was close to making Panda cry, and skipping tomorrow wouldn’t fix that.

Panda heard a knock at the door and sat up quickly, before calling out a “Come in!”

Grizz stepped in, closing the door behind him. “Were you on the phone?”

“Yeah, did you need something?”

“Not… in particular,” Grizz looked away thoughtfully, like he was trying to will some reason for coming in into his head. “Just checking on my babiest bro!”

“Oh, that’s--” Panda condescended. “That’s nice!”

“So, who was on the phone?” Grizz asked, sitting on the bed next to Panda.

“Oh, just…” Panda considered not telling Grizz for a moment. “Charlie, actually.”

“Did something happen between you two?” Grizz questioned, super suddenly. He was still smiling and even chuckled a bit when he asked it, but Panda still didn’t know if Grizz was serious or not. He wondered if the kiss counted as something happening between them, knowing Grizz asked that assuming they were fighting. Panda was fighting something, but it wasn’t Charlie. 

Did he even want to tell Grizz about it? He didn’t know. He felt scared to talk about it.

“I mean… Kinda.”

“Oh man, what’s wrong?” Grizz moved closer to Panda, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

Panda didn’t want to tell Grizz. His heart pounded, each second another painful eternity living in a post-kissing Charlie world. Panda really, really didn’t want to tell Grizz. He was in too deep now, though, and knew Grizz wouldn’t back down until the curiosity killed him.

“We, um…” Panda toyed with the hem on his shirt. “Charlie kissed me.”

Grizz was silent for a moment as he processed things; Panda felt his throat hitch up, and he wanted so badly to cry out from embarrassment. At some point this translated into a transparent laugh, bubbling up as Panda rubbed at his closed eyes expecting tears. Looking up, Panda noticed Grizz’s expression. Grizz had a small, barely noticeable smile on his face, but his eyes didn’t share the same optimism.

“I didn’t even know Charlie was gay!” Grizz marvelled, but something about his tone told Panda there was… something melancholy there, about it. 

“Me either, and I just…” Panda droned, continuing to play with his clothing. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

Panda didn’t know. He didn’t know why he leaned into the kiss, he didn’t know why he kept thinking back to the kiss, he didn’t know why thinking about Charlie in general made him feel like he was weightless and he didn’t know why this wasn’t easy. 

“I don’t know!”

“What did you do when he kissed you?”

Panda had no shame anymore. His stomach felt like it had been replaced with a lead brick and his throat felt tight as he squirmed in such a way that Grizz soon got the idea and removed his arm from around Panda. It was beginning to make him feel claustrophobic. “I don’t know.”

“Panpan…” Grizz clucked. “Y’know… When Noms and I first kissed, it felt really… weird for a while.”

“Grizz, I don’t--”

“Just listen.” Grizz interrupted. “When we kissed, in the moment, it felt perfect, it _was_ perfect. But… for some reason, it felt wrong, and neither of us could pinpoint why for a while.”

Panda considered how similar his situation sounded-- all things considered, kissing Charlie felt… safe, was the word Panda identified with. He wasn’t gay, though, he couldn’t be gay. It was normal to feel safe around your friends.

“You can tell me, I’m your big brother!” Grizz encouraged warmly before asking again. “What did you do when Charlie kissed you? Did you pull away?”

Panda heaved a sigh. There really was no fighting this, was there? 

“I-I don’t know, it just felt… I didn’t want to pull away.” 

“Why not?”

“I just…” Panda went on messing with his shirt, avoiding having to look at Grizz. He barely spoke above a whisper, and wondered how Grizz was able to understand him. He felt a bit refreshed, venting this out to someone, but it still hurt coming out. Panda gestured something with his hands. “It felt… safe, I guess.” 

“Ahh, I see,” Grizz closed his eyes for a moment. “Are you attracted to Charlie?”

Freezing up, Panda thought about… Charlie. He thought about his long hair he always tied back, he thought about how he smelled like the earth after it rains, he thought about how generous and kind he was… It made his heart smile. His wrists felt lighter. Was he attracted to Charlie? Charlie didn’t make Panda feel the way girls did. 

“...No,” Panda decided. “Because I’m straight.” 

“Panpan, I thought I was straight too once. I felt like because society has been saying, ‘oh, boys must like girls and girls must like boys,’ for so long, it was true. When Noms and I first kissed, it got weird between us only because I took what society said to heart. It took me a little while to come to terms with the fact that I was gay and that I loved another man, and that was with no help. I had no older brothers to confide in, you guys were too young and I had to be brave for you. It sucked for a while, dealing with my sexuality while also taking care of my family, but eventually, hey, it hit me: those rules that society makes are all fake. I can be gay and kiss men and be attracted to men and it’s all okay, because the world won’t give up on me that easily,” Grizz smiled, his eyes twinkling. “Society is a prison, little bro, and those expectations it lays out for you are just there to confuse you like they did me.”

“How did you know?”

“What, that I was gay?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh,” Grizz paused. “I think when I started comparing my feelings for women to men, I realized that I justified my attraction to women as an obligation, one of my duties as a man or something, whereas loving a man, in this case Noms, felt… warm, soft. I didn’t feel like I was being forced to love him.”

_Warm, soft…_ That seemed right. Panda stayed silent, his eyes wandering.

“I see myself in you, Panda.” Grizz spoke up.

“How come?”

“I don’t want to assume anything here, but it really seems to me like you’re going through the same stuff I went through when I was first struggling with my sexuality. I didn’t want to… couldn’t open up to anyone about how I was feeling, and I kept telling myself I was straight because that… felt right, I guess?” Grizz twiddled with his fingers. “I didn’t want to disappoint society.”

Panda started comparing how he felt about Kyla versus how he felt about Charlie, like Grizz said. He recalled how he felt something resembling attraction to her when he first swiped right on her picture, but how much he loathed being around her in real life. Panda had been pushing thoughts of Charlie to the back of his mind only because he was too afraid of the idea of being gay, and he was ready to admit that since it was the topic of this discussion. 

He was scared, he was scared, he was scared. 

“Panda… To a straight guy, kissing another man isn’t supposed to feel good. That’s not a judgement, it’s a simple fact, and if it felt good to you, I really think you should take a good look at your sexuality.”

Huh. 

“I’m not gonna, like, force you to think about it, or whatever. I’m just saying it might be a good idea to open yourself to the idea that you could be attracted to men. Love isn’t supposed to feel forced, I wish I’d known that when I was in your place.”

_...Huh._

“I love you, little bro, and that’ll never change, no matter who you’re into. And, hey, if you happen to be gay at the end of this little journey you’re on, you have a gay older brother to lean on. If anyone trashes you for it, they’ll be dead meat.” 

Hugging Grizz with all the strength left in his body, Panda whispered a “Thank you.”

Grizz rarely got this personal, which convinced Panda to actually take all this to heart, or at least consider it. Opening himself up to the idea of loving men… Maybe he could try it? If Grizz was telling the truth, and that society’s opinions don’t matter and that societal expectations are fake, maybe he could try it. Maybe it’d be okay. 

Was Panda attracted to Charlie?   
.  
.  
.  
He was.


	8. all it took

Charlie arrived at the café earlier than Panda. Or, Charlie arrived _on time._ Panda was a solid ten or so minutes late, but at least he ran the final couple minutes, so that stood for something at least. 

Charlie was leaning up against the wall, but he stepped forward a bit when Panda's panting self approached. He stuffed his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, smiling as he noticed Panda. 

“Sorry I’m late! How long were you waiting for me?” Panda asked, regaining his composure as he took a couple quick puffs of his inhaler. 

“I’ve been here about 5 minutes, but it’s no worries, really!” Charlie grinned.

Ever since he talked to Grizz yesterday, Panda had been looking deep within himself, and assessing his relationship with Charlie. It started with him acknowledging his attraction to Charlie, something he very quickly came to terms with. You can’t force away a crush, Panda knew that. For about an hour after that, Panda sat in bed and thought about the most recent girl he had a crush on, that was Lucy.

She was nice, and pretty.

Panda thought about Charlie.

He was handsome, and warm, and strong, and generous, and friendly, and supportive, and...

Yeah, that’s all it took.

Slipping a hand in the space between Charlie’s elbow and side, Panda ushered Charlie into the café while gently holding onto his arm. It was mostly self indulgent, and Panda’s heart couldn’t help but skip a beat doing it. 

Charlie held the door open for the two of them when they entered the café, and took to finding them both a table.

They sat down at a table by the window. Looking outside, Panda noticed the sky was a dreary gray, which foreshadowed rain. Panda was… excited to walk home in that. He turned up to Charlie.

“Thanks for, um…” Panda looked down at the table, knowing if he looked up he’d be fighting off another blush. “Thanks for meeting me here.”

Charlie smiled warmly when Panda looked back up at him, and chuckled a “You’re welcome.” 

“I really hope you’re not still worrying about what happened,” Panda articulated, putting his hands flat down on the table as he looked Charlie in his sapphire eyes. “I told you, it’s all good.”

“I know you said that,” Charlie acknowledged, nodding his head. “But I just feel bad that I made you uncomfortable.”

Uncomfortably aware of Panda’s sexuality, more like. 

“No, Charlie,” Panda furrowed his brow in frustration. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable.”

Charlie cocked his head to the side like a puppy. “I didn’t?”

“No. Honestly, it was kinda…” Panda trailed off, his heart snatching the words from his mouth before they could come out and compensating for it by running a blush over his cheeks. He couldn’t help but smile a bit at the end of the statement as he remembered the kiss, remembered how Charlie’s lips felt on his. 

“It was what?”

Dang it Charlie, Panda didn’t want to answer that to your handsome face. 

Panda stammered for a moment, stuck on if he should tell Charlie the truth or not. He was worried he’d freak Charlie out by being so blunt and telling the truth, but Panda knew he needed to be honest not only with Charlie, but with himself. No more lies or half-truths. Plus, Charlie wouldn’t have kissed Panda for no reason, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That made sense. 

Okay, deep breath, and...

“It’s actually really funny,” Panda let a laugh penetrate his words to mask the growing anxiety that had no reason to be there. “I, um, actually kinda… I don’t know, liked it? Grizz and I talked for a long time yesterday evening, and…” 

Panda flipped his hair out of his eyes. He laughed in embarrassment, burying his hands in his face. After a second of hiding, Panda felt Charlie’s hands gently wrap around his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face. Charlie locked his fingers with Panda’s and set them down on the table between them, a shy smile on his face. 

Panda was at a complete loss for words. Holding hands with your crush was one thing, but _both_ hands?! Panda bit down hard on his tongue, sure that he’d wake up from whatever dream this was soon enough. When pain radiated through his tongue and the surrounding environment didn’t change, Panda blinked a couple times in confusion before embracing the moment and letting his hands conform to Charlie’s. They were bigger than his, but Panda’s hands were softer. They fit together like puzzle pieces. Panda shyly returned Charlie’s smile with a wobbly smile of his own.

“Panda…” Charlie smiled wider, rubbing Panda’s hands with his thumbs. “What are you trying to say?”

Panda’s hands absorbed the touch, making him nearly lose feeling in his arms from the sheer euphoria. If he didn’t have complete and total trust in Charlie before today, he did now-- that was all it took. 

“I guess... what I’m trying to say is,” Panda paused, hoping for some benevolent force from above to bring the words out of him. He made himself aware of his hands that were in Charlie’s and found strength in it. “Charlie, I…”

Panda’s mouth opened, but no words came out, so he went back to the start. 

“What I’m trying to say is… Charlie, I can’t get you off my mind. It all comes back to you. Everything I do. The essence of my actions is endowed in you.”

(He got that last part from an anime, but whatever. Charlie wasn’t gonna go fact-check that. He hoped.) He didn’t dare look up at Charlie for fear of him looking down on Panda with disgust (why would he?) but would soon be forced to when he heard Charlie’s voice. 

“Wow, Panpan, I…” Charlie shifted his hands so Panda’s hands were resting gently in his own, instead of being locked together like they were before. Suddenly, he chuckled, his frizzy hair bouncing as he did so. “I was so scared! Is that really it?”

Panda blinked. What? Why was Charlie acting like that? 

“Pumpkin, I knew that.”

_Pumpkin._ Panda shuddered. “What? How?”

“You called me at, what, 1 A.M.? Told me you ‘needed to see me’?” Charlie laughed, “Hate to break it to you, pumpkin, but that was what gave it away.”

Huh. Panda wished he was as aware of his own feelings as Charlie was. Either way, he was glad Charlie didn’t seem upset with knowing just how much of Panda’s mind he took up. 

“I-I just thought you should know, because it seemed like you were worried.” Panda clarified.

“Oh, I understand,” Charlie reassured, letting his hands slip out from Panda’s and bringing them under his chin. “Now, does this mean I can kiss you more?”

Panda very nearly dropped dead when he heard Charlie ask that. His eyes burst open wider than they have ever been before, jumping back into his chair as his cheeks burned. Panda stammered, looking away from Charlie, who he assumed was enjoying the embarrassing sight. 

When Panda finally willed himself to look at Charlie again, he was met with that same dopey grin he loved so much. Charlie had a playful glint in his blue eyes, but they were equally filled to the brim with love. 

Panda blinked a few times to regain his composure, automatically responding with an “I-IF YOU WANT!” 

Charlie just laughed again, taking only one of Panda’s hands in his own this time. “You’re cute.”

“N-Noooo,” Panda denied, shaking his head as he giggled slightly. “I’m not cute. I’m cool.”

“Whatever you say,” Charlie concurred.

Panda had wished he took the weather more seriously, because small droplets were starting to fall onto the window neighboring their table; he also quickly took notice of the swaying of the trees outside, indicating the wind had picked up. 

“Oh shoot, Charlie, we should get going, look,” Panda pointed out the window, as if Charlie couldn’t see the raindrops. 

“Darn, you’re right!” Charlie stood up from his table, prompting Panda to stand as well. As he did so, Panda realized they never actually ordered anything. Oh well, this café didn’t have the best drinks anyway. 

Charlie took lead in leading the two out of the café, periodically looking back to make sure Panda was still in tow. It was hard to lose Charlie, he was practically as tall as a tree. Panda giggled when he thought of that. 

The air was rather chilly and bitter when they stepped outside, the sudden chill sending a shudder down Panda’s spine. Panda reacted accordingly as he and Charlie began walking along the sidewalk that ran along the row of buildings, instinctively putting his hands on his upper arms to reach some semblance of warmth as raindrops fell on his head. He walked close to Charlie.

Charlie noticed Panda’s light shivering and stopped in his tracks. Panda noticed this after a few absentminded paces, turning around to face Charlie.

Something was different, though. Charlie had taken off his hoodie to reveal the dark red T-Shirt he had on underneath, holding the hoodie out towards Panda. Panda simply stared for a good 15 seconds, both of them motionless. Panda approached Charlie, taking hesitant steps as he put his hands on the gray hoodie after becoming close enough to do so. He looked at Charlie, then back at the hoodie, then back at Charlie, then back at the hoodie, as if telepathically asking Charlie if it was really okay. 

After waiting for a nod from Charlie which soon came, Panda took the hoodie from Charlie and slipped it on over his head. It simultaneously fit perfectly and not at all, with the bottom of the hoodie reaching Panda’s mid thigh and the sleeves extending a few inches past his fingers. 

And it was _so warm._ The second thing Panda was able to take in after putting on the hoodie after how utterly _warm_ it was, was how _good_ it smelled. It had that comforting, earthy scent that Panda so perfectly associated with Charlie. Basically, Panda wanted to be buried in this hoodie. 

Charlie flipped the hood over Panda’s head, covering his eyes for a moment before Panda was able to move it up and out of the way. 

“‘S that better?” Charlie asked.

It was. 

Panda soon noticed, however, that the absence of a top layer of clothing left Charlie vulnerable to the rain, which was evident by the darkening of his red shirt as it got increasingly wetter. Panda panicked slightly, not wanting to be the reason Charlie catches a cold.

“Wait, Charlie, you’re gonna get all wet!” Panda babbled. 

“Hey, I’m fine. Promise!”

Panda hesitantly believed Charlie, fixing him with a concerned look as they started walking again. Charlie followed closely behind Panda with his hands in his pockets, surveying the view around them as Panda kept his eyes locked before him.

They speedwalked down the wet sidewalk, eager to make it to their dry home. Panda kept sneaking glances at Charlie, his worry not depleting in the slightest. If he had his own jacket with him, he wouldn’t have wasted a second in giving it to Charlie. That didn’t make sense, actually-- if he had a jacket, Charlie wouldn’t have had to give up his hoodie, and Panda wouldn’t need to give Charlie his jacket. In the end, Panda concluded his jacket would _absolutely_ not fit Charlie anyways, if this was how big his clothes were. 

The rain, despite Panda’s incredible luck, didn’t stop when they reached their apartment complex. Charlie fumbled through his pockets for the key to get into the main building-- non-tenants had to buzz in-- and, upon finding it, used it to let the pair in. 

It felt nice to finally get out of the rain and into the dry building, raindrops falling from their skin and dripping onto the red shag carpet below them, dampening it. 

Panda glanced around confused, wondering if Charlie would rather go straight to his apartment and change into something dry, or if he was to walk Panda back to his apartment like he liked to do. “Charlie, you should probably--”

“It’s fine, Panpan! Little rain never hurt ol’ Charlie.”

“Um-- Whatever you say.” Panda hesitantly settled. 

They walked closely, Panda too nervous to do any talking.

What happened at the café just now? Panda didn’t have any idea, but he knew he enjoyed it.

They reached Panda’s apartment with little fanfare. 

“So…” Charlie started awkwardly.

“So…?”

“L-Let me ask you properly,” Charlie exacted, smiling flirtatiously, taking in a deep breath like he was trying to will some impossible words to come out. “Panda, will you go out with me? Officially? I’m sorry it’s nothing fancy, or special, but--”

Leaning up, Panda cut Charlie off by crashing his lips into Charlie’s. 

Charlie’s eyes shot open for a brief moment before he softened, closing them along with Panda’s. He pulled the shorter boy in by his waist, leaning down so Panda wouldn’t have to stand on his toes to reach Charlie. They lessened the intensity after a short moment as they got their bearings straight, prioritizing each other’s comfort first and foremost. Panda wanted to melt into Charlie right then and there, his heart felt like it was ready to grow wings and fly away.

The warmth between the two rivaled the sun before Panda pulled away, sighing.

“Does that answer your question?” Panda smirked.

Charlie stammered, his whole face going red down to his collarbones.

Panda smiled at Charlie one last time before entering his apartment, where he would burst into metaphorical flames from love and embarrassment before falling asleep in Cha-- no, his _boyfriend’s_ hoodie.


	9. double date

“Panda, whose hoodie is that?” Grizz had asked, rubbing his still-tired eyes as he walked into the living room, where Panda was sitting on the couch, absentmindedly on his phone. 

Panda actually fell asleep that night wearing Charlie’s hoodie. It was mostly dry by the time he went to bed that night, so no problems on that front. He wished he had prepared ahead, though, because he was totally caught off guard when Grizz started asking questions about it. 

“Oh, um…” Panda hesitated. “It’s, uh…”

In all honesty, while Panda was ecstatic that he and Charlie were now a couple, he still felt really bashful about it. He knew if he told Grizz he’d be all over him with questions and congratulations, something Panda was too shy to face. 

Panda swallowed his pride. “It’s, um, Charlie’s.”

Grizz’s face lit up, his eyes turning into stars as he squeaked and gasped at the same time. “Bro, does that mean--”

“YES, _yes,_ drop it already,” Panda groaned, waving a dismissive hand in front of his face. He couldn’t hide the growing blush on his face, though, which only made him grip his cell phone harder.

“Ohhhhhhh, Oh my gosh!” Grizz cheered, wrapping his arms around his younger brother in an almost-suffocating hug. “Panpan, I’m so happy for you!”

Panda didn’t particularly like being the center of attention like this, it felt condescending. He let Grizz do his thing though, and half-returned the hug with a sympathetic pat on the back.

“Oh man, I had an idea!” Grizz pulled away from Panda. “Double date!”

Panda cocked his head at Grizz, raising an eyebrow. He heard the words and understood them individually, like, he _knew_ what a double date was, but they had failed to register in Panda’s pea brain. 

A double date meant he had to be around Nom Nom. Panda didn’t expressly _hate_ Nom Nom so to speak as he knew how happy he made his brother, but he could be such an _earsore_ sometimes; he really applauded Grizz for putting up with him enough to want to date him. It was funny seeing their chemistry, Panda had thought, Grizz was this mellow, sweet guy who saw the best in everybody, while Nom Nom was this high-strung diva who melted when he was around Grizz. They were cute, and seemed happy together. 

“I’ll take your silence as a ‘OMG Grizz that’s the best idea ever’ silence,” Grizz said as he took out his phone and began typing out a text to who Panda only assumed was Nom Nom. “Let’s see… Noms gets out of therapy at five… That leaves us… Alright, I’ll pick him up from therapy and bring him here!”

Grizz finished and sent the text to his boyfriend, smiling at Panda after he did so. Panda didn’t mind much that Grizz didn’t give him time to answer, since he probably would have begged Panda to say yes regardless. It wasn’t the _worst_ idea Grizz had ever come up with by far, and Panda figured it would be better to get it out of the way now over later; he just hoped Charlie and Nom Nom would get along.

Grizz spent the rest of the day jittery as heck, and Panda caught him sneaking a number of glances at every time-telling receptacle he could get his hands on in anticipation for their little “double date,” which was likely just going to be watching a movie together and being asked a lot of awkward questions Panda wasn’t looking forward to answering. In some morbid fashion, though, Panda looked forward to it, anticipating whatever drama Nom Nom would bring with him. 

Nom Nom was Panda’s only “popular” friend, and coincidentally also the most popular student in the entire school. Panda used this fact to his advantage, Nom Nom being Panda’s main and only source of the drama he _lived_ off of. He didn’t want to be as popular as Nom Nom though; he appreciated watching the tides but not being neck deep in them. Watching and absorbing and judging and from a comfortable distance. 

Grizz left the house 30 minutes before Nom Nom was supposed to get out of therapy. Panda wasn’t surprised, he figured Grizz would want to start this thing as soon as possible. This left Panda in a weird spot, however. He sat awkwardly on the couch, wondering if he should invite Charlie over now or wait until Grizz got back. He figured it was a good idea, and started texting him. He felt bad about it being last minute, but that wasn’t his fault, was it? He didn’t mean it in a mean way, but what else could Charlie even have planned? He lived in the same building; if he needed to leave for something, he could, right? You can’t have a double date with just three people. That was enough justification for Panda and he sent the text inviting him up. 

Charlie enthusiastically agreed to the date, and within 5 minutes he was knocking on the door. Panda answered, and they shared an awkward smile as Panda led Charlie into the living room. 

“So, what’s all this?” Charlie sat down on the couch next to Panda, wrapping an arm around Panda’s shoulders. 

Panda leaned into Charlie. “Grizz is picking up his boyfriend from therapy right now, I’m as confused as you are.”

The clicking of the lock and the subsequent opening of the front door caused Panda and Charlie to jump a little out of shock. 

“...Okay, bye, love you!” The ending of some conversation Nom Nom was involved in was the first thing Panda heard when Grizz returned with him, to which the shorter boy promptly hung up the phone. “God, I hate that bitch.” 

Nobody acknowledged him, and Grizz took to glancing around the room like it was the most magnificent sight he’s ever seen, likely proud of himself for “organizing” this, if you could call it that. Nom Nom gave a tight lipped smile to Panda and Charlie in acknowledgement. Panda could tell Nom Nom was shy, even when there was nothing to be afraid of. Panda dealt with that a lot, so he could sympathize. It was interesting, though, seeing someone as bold and unashamed about what he did be as nervous as he was. Panda didn’t have time to worry about how different people were on screen versus off screen, so he bookmarked it, and would get back to it later. 

Back to Grizz. “Noms, you know Panda!” 

Nom Nom nodded, but his gaze wandered over to Charlie, obviously unaware of who he was. He made a confused face and looked back at Grizz. Grizz fixed him with a nod and a knowing glance of his own, and Nom Nom’s eyes visibly widened before shooting over to Panda for a brief moment. He whispered something to Grizz that Panda was unable to make out, and Grizz whispered back. 

Nom Nom finally broke from Grizz and, again, smiled at Panda first, Charlie second. He moved quickly over to the couch and sat next to Panda.

“So, you’re gay now?” Was the first thing Nom Nom asked Panda, and Grizz put his face in his hands after taking his seat next to Nom Nom. 

“Babe, you can’t just _ask him that,_ ” Grizz groans, obviously embarrassed. 

“Why not? He doesn’t have to answer,” Nom Nom shrugged. 

“I am attracted to men, yes,” Panda cleared his throat. “I don’t like labels, but I’m not straight.” 

“Okay, wig,” Nom Nom replied. He looked Charlie over. “He’s handsome.”

Panda screams internally. He knew that, but it still embarrassed him. Charlie was his, and he had only been his for less than a week, so it still flustered him quite a bit. Panda nearly jumps out of his skin when Charlie wraps an arm around Panda’s shoulders, giving the shoulder furthest from him a gentle squeeze. Charlie is warm, and it’s the first thing Panda notices. He realizes in his in-love state that he still needs to reply to Nom Nom. 

“Y-Yeah,” It wasn’t a great response, but it sufficed. 

“You guys are cute,” Nom Nom cooed. “Grizz, do that to me!”

“O-Okay!” Grizz put an arm around Nom Nom as well, and Nom Nom leaned into him. “What did you guys wanna do?”

“You didn’t plan anything?” Panda asked, exasperated.

“We could just get to know each other,” Grizz suggested. “If that’s okay with everyone.”

“Um, alright,” Panda manages. He holds onto Charlie’s hand, which is bigger than his own. Charlie gives Panda’s hand a squeeze, and he leans deeper into his boyfriend. His _boyfriend…_ it’s still so weird to say. It’s new and different, but Panda loves the change. 

Everyone turns to look at Charlie; even Panda cranes his neck to look back at him. Charlie’s eyes dart among them, and he blushes slightly. Panda knew he was shy, but didn’t know he was _this_ shy… 

“This is Charlie,” Panda speaks up in lieu of Charlie, and he can feel Charlie sigh in relief behind him. He continues absentmindedly playing with Charlie’s hand, hoping it’ll calm him. “He’s a senior.”

“Wow,” Nom Nom smiles. “Didn’t know you were into older guys, four-eyes.”

Panda laughs sarcastically at the teasing. “You’re one to talk.”

“Look, at least we both have taste,” Nom Nom puts his hands out in front of him. Panda notices his nails are painted pink, and realizes he should probably get his own nails done soon. He was a compulsive nail biter, but he was trying his hardest to stop-- he was doing a pretty good job at it too; painting his nails might deter him from biting them. 

“How’d you guys meet?”

“We bumped into each other in the hall,” Panda felt like he was living in some teen movie. It was no fairy tale meeting, but it really felt like the most predictable teen movie in the world. It was his movie, though, and he was determined to make it a blockbuster. Whatever the heck that meant. “I guess we just started talking more and more after that, and what do you know.”

“Ugh, adorable,” Nom Nom gushed. “This one found me through my videos.”

Nom Nom pointed at Grizz with his thumb. Grizz chuckled bashfully, wrapping his arms around Nom Nom’s torso and hugging him close. 

“I was one of the lucky ones,” Grizz smiles, pridefully tilting his head up. “I slid into his DMs and we hit it off.”

“Had it been anyone else I would have blocked them,” Nom Nom sighs. “He’s a sweet guy, and I love him.”

Nom Nom blushes a light pink, and he ducks his head towards his chest to hide it. After a moment of this Grizz turns Nom Nom’s face towards him and kisses him.

Panda suddenly feels like he has to compete with Nom Nom and his older brother, so he turns his head to face his own boyfriend. Charlie must have had the same idea, because as soon as he and Panda lock eyes their lips follow suit. It’s a clumsier kiss than usual due to their mutual lack of practice, but that’ll change soon enough.

Panda can’t say he doesn’t prefer clumsy kisses. If there’s anything more intimate than romantic kisses, its having the courage to even dare to be anything other than graceful around your partner, because you know they aren’t gonna judge you for it. 

Charlie is a lot of things. He’s sweet, genuine, and unashamed, but he’s also really warm and he smells nice and he’s comfortable to cuddle with… 

Panda has to tell himself that this isn’t a race, and he and Charlie pull apart at the same time just in time for Grizz and Nom Nom to pull apart as well, and they’re back to business. 

Nom Nom clears his throat in transition. “So, Panda, is he...?”

Panda’s eyes widened slightly, the question taking him aback. “N-No, he isn’t.” 

“I’m sorry, that was totally rude of me to ask!” Nom Nom flushed red in embarrassment, bringing his hands to his face. He looks up at Charlie, hoping to change the subject to a less sensitive one. Truthfully, Panda doesn’t mind Nom Nom asking that-- he understands why he’d be curious, even if it wasn’t any of his business. In any other situation it wouldn’t be up to Panda if it was offensive to ask or not, but this wasn’t any other situation. Either way, Panda is too eager to change the subject. “You’re really quiet.”

“Oh, u-m,” Charlie stammers. 

“He’s just shy!” Panda fills in for him. “He’ll warm up to you eventually.” 

Charlie smiles, hoping to break some of the tension. He discreetly squeezes Panda’s hand, and Panda squeezes back. 

“How’s therapy been?” Panda asks.

In the past year, Nom Nom started therapy. Panda wasn’t super involved in the decision as much as Grizz was, but he did his best to support him from afar. He was proud to see Nom Nom taking such a big step in his life to better himself, especially considering the kind of person he was before starting therapy. The stress from becoming famous at a young age had taken a toll on his mental health, which led to multiple instances of him snapping at every little thing that didn’t go his way. Despite this, Panda’s older brother never did anything but love and support Nom Nom through that, and the latter broke under the pressure. It was like something just switched in him-- Panda wasn’t there for the heart-to-heart between Grizz and Nom Nom, but he could only assume it involved tearful apologies. 

“It’s going well,” Nom Nom replied. “I don’t regret starting it, but I regret denying all these years that I needed it.”

“I’m glad you’re doing better, dude,” Grizz grinned into the top of Nom Nom’s head, smooching his hair. “And it’s all thanks to me!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nom Nom puffs out his cheeks in mock-frustration. “All thanks to you.”

Panda can’t tell if Nom Nom is being sarcastic or not, but he laughs it off anyway. 

Panda feels bad about not including Charlie more in the conversation. He knows Charlie is shy, and would feel bad about forcing him into conversation, but he doesn’t want Charlie to feel like he’s being excluded. Panda pulls out his phone and enters the note app, where he begins typing something out. When he’s finished he shows the phone to Charlie, who reads over the message. 

_u can say something if u want. sorry im talking so much…_

Charlie takes the phone from Panda. Panda checks to make sure Nom Nom isn’t awkwardly waiting for them to finish up, and he relaxes when he sees him chatting with Grizz about something or other. Charlie hands the phone back to Panda, and there’s a message under Panda’s original.

_Im just glad your having fun <3_

Panda cringes at the typo, but ignores it. It’s cute. He types a message in response, and hands it back to Charlie. Panda wonders if texting would be a superior option, but figures it would be just as awkward. Panda looks back at his brother and his boyfriend who are still whispering to each other, and looks back at the half-typed message he was typing. Panda closed the notes app, and adjusted his position so he was facing Charlie. 

“Talking would probably be easier,” Panda notes.

“I liked our little messaging thing, though,” Charlie chuckles under his breath.

“I can’t do this through the phone, though,” Panda smirks before kissing Charlie on the cheek. Charlie’s face heats up under Panda’s lips, and he doesn’t protest when Panda leans forward to kiss Charlie on the lips. “This is technically a date, after all.” 

Nom Nom left around half an hour later, with some celebrity matters to attend to. Grizz retreated to his room not long after, leaving Panda and Charlie alone on the couch together.

“You’re sure you don’t need to go home yet?”

“S’fine. No one’s waiting for me.”

Panda aches when Charlie says that. The sun’s going down, but neither of them want to get up to turn the lights on to combat the growing darkness. It’s far too comfortable. Panda readjusts again so his legs are up on the couch, the rest of his body snuggled up to Charlie. 

“Goodnight,” Panda closes his eyes.

“You’re going to sleep?” Charlie asks. 

“Yeah,” Panda kisses the closest part of Charlie that he can reach, which happens to be his wrist. “Goodnight.”

“Alright,” Charlie concedes, picking up Panda’s hand so he can kiss his wrist in return. “G’night, pumpkin.”


	10. senior-formal-posal

“You said Seniors are allowed to ask Juniors?”

“I did say that,” Grizz clarifies. “As long as a senior accompanies the Junior in question.”

“But it’s _Senior_ formal.”

“Almost seems like you’re looking for an excuse not to bring Panda,” Grizz teased, nudging Charlie with an elbow. “Nah, but nobody’s fact checking.”

Senior formal was three weeks away; Charlie and Grizz were simultaneously overexcited and nervous as heck about asking their boyfriends. While they both were fairly positive they would receive affirmative reactions, the mere thought of potential rejection was enough to make both of them jittery. However unlikely, it was still in the realm of possibilities.

While Grizz and Charlie were fairly similar in terms of outlook on life and overall morality, the same could not be said for Panda and Nom Nom. In fact, the two couldn’t be more different from one another. Where Nom Nom craved attention in a more outward way through any means he could get his little pizza hands on, Panda wanted attention and then panicked when he got any. 

Grizz knew Nom Nom would want something extravagant when it came to this type of proposal-- as he was so used to it at this point and felt as though he deserved it (and to Grizz, he did.) 

“What do you think…” Charlie started, clearly shy. “Panda’d, y’know, like?”

“Honestly, he says he loves grand romantic gestures,” Grizz said, “But the embarrassment would probably melt the guy. He loves you, he’d probably die of happiness no matter what you did.”

While Charlie also felt like his boyfriend deserved the world and everything else, he mentally noted to _tone it down._ Leave the hard stuff to Grizz, he was the one who chose to date a combination Youtuber and Tiktok celebrity. 

Charlie went home that day with a mission: ask Panda to senior formal without making it weird. On TV there was always something to interrupt the couple before they had much of a chance to do anything, but that wouldn’t deter Charlie! Nothing mattered more to him than his Panda.

Although he had an easier task to accomplish than Grizz, Charlie was in no way equipped with the necessary planning skills to execute this in a way that didn’t involve dirt. He made it a point to walk home without Panda (horribly painful, trust me, he knew,) as to avoid spilling the secret to him. Although asking was just a formality at this point, the one thing he _could_ keep secret was the _way_ he asked. 

Oh, he could plant flowers that spelt out ‘WILL U GO TO FORMAL WITH ME’!

...Nah, not enough time. Or territory. Or cash in which to purchase seeds with. 

He liked flowers, though, and he knew Panda liked them too. If he couldn’t think of anything original to do for him, at least he had that. 

+++

“Aw, are you asking me to senior formal?” 

“N-No! I never said that!”

Pause for dramatic effect, and...

“Wait, so, you aren’t?”

Oh, God. “Ack, that’s not what I meant! I just--”

“Grizz,” Nom Nom laughed through the phone. “You’re so cute. If you’re that concerned with how to ask me, why don’t you look on the internet? They have, like, everything on there. You’re bound to find something that’ll please me.” 

“No, it HAS to be original! That’s the whole point! You’ll never see it coming! This’ll be the greatest…” What word was he supposed to use here? “...Senior-formal-posal you’ve ever experienced!”

Living in a rent controlled apartment, you don’t exactly get the thickest, most soundproof walls in the world. Nothing about this was beneficial to anyone. For example, Panda was frequently subjected to these types of phone calls between his brother and his boyfriend. At first he thought they were cute, but they weren’t cute when he was trying to sleep or do homework. If he wanted to call Charlie (which was a rare occurrence thanks to the ocean of anxiety he lived in) he made _sure_ nobody was home, especially not Grizz. Ice Bear minded his own business and thus wasn’t much of a threat to Panda’s sanity, but if Grizz even heard Panda’s fingers dialing Charlie’s phone number he was practically busting down the door to get all the “juicy deets.” 

What did Grizz say about senior formal? As a junior, Panda wasn’t privy to the goings-on of seniors or senior-related business. His boyfriend, though, was an actual senior in real life and there’s no way he wasn’t aware of it. Why hadn’t he mentioned it yet? He wasn’t the social type, maybe he had no plans of going at all? That was okay! They could make up for it, couldn’t they? Yeah! Who needs a stupid dance?

But what if Charlie _did_ want to go, and was just waiting on Panda to ask him? Was he the type to be asked, and not ask? 

One thing they don’t tell you about same-gender relationships is that there’s far less of a societal norm as to who asks who to things. Always ending in a never ending cycle of waiting for the other to ask, and the event in question happened _years_ ago. Which one is the fork and which one is the spoon? We’re both sporks, thank you very much. 

He could ask Charlie himself to get it over with-- worst case scenario he says no, at least he broke the cycle before it had time to make a full circumference. He’d push his fear of rejection to the side and muster up some confidence to ask his boyfriend to a dance that he had no business asking someone to. 

Heart ablaze, Panda ordered the tickets online. He went to bed that night feeling confident, figuring that he could always scalp the tickets if Charlie said no. Ah, the joys of high school.

It was Thursday, that gave him three days before Monday to find the courage to ask Charlie to senior formal. It wouldn’t be so bad, right? 

+++

Monday came too quickly. Charlie’s heart pounded as he pushed open the cold metal doors to the school, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked through the still mostly empty halls on account of him arriving to school early in order to beat Panda. He didn’t want to arrive before him and struggle to get things ready. 

He splurged, and ended up buying Panda a nice bouquet of lilies; he remembered Panda saying they were pretty. 

He felt awful suspicious hanging around Panda’s locker with no one else aside from the occasional teacher that passed by without saying anything; just a tall guy holding a bouquet of lilies; almost like a Wes Anderson film or something. 

+++

Panda almost ran to school, and to his locker; he wasn’t super early but hopefully he could catch Charlie before the first bell. He bought Charlie a bouquet of the prettiest flowers he could find in a ten mile radius, which happened to be 12 of these little white flowers called moonflowers; they weren’t super cheap, but after dropping $90 on the tickets he became blind to price tags. 

+++

Charlie waited.

+++

Panda kept walking. 

+++

Charlie heard footsteps coming around the corner, and immediately recognized them as familiar. He had grown a talent for picking up on particular people’s footstep patterns, and he knew that he knew those footsteps from somewhere-- oh, it’s Panda! Finally!

+++

Charlie was already here? This threw a serious wrench in his plans, what was he supposed to do if he couldn’t ambush Charlie with the question?!

“Charlie?!” Panda asked, as if it weren’t actually Charlie. 

“Panda!” If anyone won points for planning, it was Charlie.

“What are you doing here so early?” Panda asked, sounding more defensive than he intended. “You’re usually not here until 7:40.”

“Well, I…” Charlie was acting really weird, and he held something behind his back which was making Panda anxious. “I just wanted to ask ya...”

Panda held his breath. 

“Would you be interested in going--” Charlie cleared his throat, “--As my official date to senior formal?” He shyly held the lilies out to Panda, hiding behind his bangs.

WAIT WHAT. Panda blinked, furiously opening his locker to reveal the bouquet he had purchased.

“Charlie, I was--”

“Oh, pumpkin, were you--”

“...Going to ask the same thing?” They both asked in unison, and gasped. 

The initial shock of asking each other to the dance at the same time wore off fast, and the two fell into a fit of giggles rather quickly. 

“Uh,” Panda smiled bashfully, “Yes! I’ll be your date.”

He accepted the flowers and in turn handed Charlie his, and that was it. 

+++

“Hey, did you see that plane outside!?”

“No, what plane?!”

“You just gotta see it, dude!”

Dictating the other conversations Panda overheard in the hall would be a waste of time, because they were all virtually identical. He couldn’t say he wasn’t a little curious as to what this mysterious plane was, so he dragged Charlie outside once school ended. 

‘NOM NOM, SENIOR FORMAL?’

This has to be a joke, Panda thought. There had to be about a hundred students outside with their eyes glued to the sky, with a very proud Grizz among them. Near his side was none other than the man himself, the man of the sky, Nom Nom, looking like he just won the lottery. They said something inaudible to each other and Nom Nom practically pounced into Grizz’s arms.

Panda smiled, and let Charlie pull him home.


End file.
